How To Know If He’s Serious About Commitment …

by Cherry Norris on May 20, 2014

On May 24, Lorenzo and I are celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary!  Woo hoo!

Twelve years of love, laughter, intimacy, growth, overcoming fears and having fun.

Before meeting my man, I "duty dated" a lot of men.

I kissed a lot of toads while learning about relationships.

And I had s.e.x. with men wihout knowing if they were serious about me or not!

How about you?

You're dating different men.

You're not having S.E.X. with any of them because you're smarter than I was, right? 🙂

You want to be in a committed relationship first.

But how do you define commitment?

What does it mean exactly?

Married?  Engaged?  Exclusive?

And how do you know if a man's really serious (even if he says he is …) and not just using you?

Today's video shows you how to separate the man who wants you for the long-term from the boy who just wants you for fun.

Speaking of fun, you'll also see how Lorenzo and I celebrated our 10-year Wedding Anniversary!  Yay! 🙂

Enjoy and tell me how you feel about this one!

Love,

Cherry

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Rosa May 23, 2014 at 2:14 pm

Hi Cherry, 
lve been following your advise of waiting for commitment, longevity and exclusivity. So I met a man, super nice, good looking and we lots in common. I dated him over two months. We talked and he wanted what I wanted and needed so we decided to have a go at sex. What a horror. I wish I would have known before, he has issues. He's in his early sixties and I'm late 50's.  I guess this is an issue for us older gals when our partne's stuff doesn't work any longer.  And I really like him but I need it to work. We tried pills and other "stuff" to no avail. Now I feel superficial but I want sex. So frustrating! Needless to say I broke up with him.
Hope you have a super good time on your anniversary.
Rosa
 
 
 

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Rena June 18, 2014 at 6:29 pm

Rosa,
This is a serious problem for those of us who are older and dating, looking for a committed, long term (marriage) arrangement, we find a man willing to go the distance only to find he doesn't "work" in that department!    For some women, that would be just fine, but I agree with you, intimacy and sex is important.  Cudos to you for trying to fix the problem! My aunt once said, "men 60+ are generally looking for a nurse or a purse!".  Lucky are the women who find a man their age who are functional and willing to commit.  Generally speaking, those guys are chasing much younger  women and enticing them with their financial prowess!   Society looks at "Cougars" as pathetic older women trying to recapture their youth, but there is more to it than meets the eye, we can actually deliver!  In the end both men and woman  look like old fools if they go to extremes.
Maybe we have to "settle" if we want companionship.  I, for one, am not good at settling, so the search continues! 

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Lucy November 4, 2012 at 12:53 am

Ugh.
Thank you Cherry for a video that hits the nail on the head for so many of us. I've been dating a guy now for almost a year. He decided when we met (actually before we met) that I was the 'one'. And came on pretty strong. It's a long distant relationship and he has made an effort to see me frequently, but I feel he is pulling away now- as we are 'negotiating' our differences. Suddenly he changes plans at the last minute. I fear I am losing him. Or maybe he is waking up from his fantasy and he doesn't really want to comit. I have asked him point blank what's going on and he agrees to answer my ques at another time. But doesn't bring it up. I am trying to be patient but protect myself at the same time. I feel he isn't being straight with me. Even though he says he loves me.

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Tiana June 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Hi Cherry,
I was dating this guy for almost three months, he asked me to be commited and exclusive with him cause I was seeing other guys too. SO we become commited and shortly after we start having sex. All was fine, he wanted to see me all the time, pursuing me and all that good stuff, taking me out all the time, spending lots of time at my house with me and my kids, he apparently was into me more than I was into him, but I went on a cruise for 9 days with my family which he couldnt go because of work and when I come back he was not answering my calls didnt wanted to see me, and a day later after I returned from my trip he calls to break up – he said he wasnt happy and he thought he wanted a serious relationship but I guess he wasnt ready and thats all he said oh and that he felt smothered.  Im still trying to figure out what happend in that week while I was gone that made him change his mind after 2 moths that we've been apart.
We were fine before I left. So what do you think it happened? Maybe having his freedom back and going out with his friends made him change his mind?
I tried to keep communication as friends, saw each other once after the brake up and a week later I invited him to go somewhere and he said no because he might feel uncomfortable and was not a good idea because it will make things harder. What does that means? Does he still cares about me or not?
Thanks.

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Kathleen September 25, 2012 at 2:57 am

If he wants to go, let him go.  We shouldn't be the ones to convince a man to stay.  It won't always be easy but work at moving on and dating others as he is. Flip it~

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Chella May 30, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Hi Cherry, what about when a man gives you all of these things in a verbal commitment before sex… but he changes his mind later? That's the situation I am in – it moved very fast, everything was great for 2 months, but then he freaked out and got scared and basically broke the commitment (although he never technically broke up with me). He just disappeared for a few weeks, came back saying he made a huge mistake and that he was going to buy me a ring… then disappeared again for over a month… came back again… it's been crazy! I feel like I did everything right and still got burned! 
Now it's been about 5 months and we are in this weird limbo period where he's still not ready and I said I'm open to dating him and others until he makes up his mind. I feel so confused because he says he loves me and I love him, but he's not chasing me… yet he's jealous of me seeing others. It feels awful!
Just wondering what I did wrong and if there's anything else I should know moving forward…?? 

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ming wei May 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm

reflected on your advise and saw that when he so strongly & quickly defenses his "righteousness" – it's trouble!
Thank you Cherry.
 
 
 

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jennifer May 19, 2012 at 10:50 am

Cherry love ur hat!!!perfecto for paris. Ilove paris also.. ok back too me.. I’m
seeing my sweet love on an exclusive relationship for 7months.. he’s grt but ugg asked me to move in to his new home… i have to boys 11and13 thr the wild things ..lol .. im scarred and also dnt believe in new family love … damage goods. From divorce ..thankyou for your awsome knowledge ..

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Ooo la la! Thanks for tuning in, Jennifer!

Keep taking baby steps!!

Love, Cherry

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jennifer May 20, 2012 at 3:26 am

Good baby steps got it!!

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beth May 18, 2012 at 10:32 pm

But there are guys who do want marriage someday and do want to spend most of their time with you, but they can still find time to look elsewhere and then later claim they realized you just weren't the one. The advice is good overall, but still has its problems.

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Hi Beth,

Relationships at best are a step in the dark. To be in on requires faith and the willingness to take risks 🙂

Thanks for tuning in!
Love, Cherry

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Kiki May 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Hi,
In your movie “Duty Dating” the lead sleeps with her man after receiving a verbal commitment but she keeps dating others, (without sex), unt il she is proposed to and formally engaged. Todays video is a different slant,… can you please

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Hi Kiki,

Yes, to highten the drama in the movie, Clarice has permission to keep dating until marriage. Technically, you do too …. however I wouldn’t advise it if you have a “commitment” with your man. 🙂

Love, Cherry

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Lorene May 18, 2012 at 4:58 pm

The "continuity" part is so important! I spent 3 years dating a  very busy guy that was satisfied with seeing me Saturday evening into Sunday afternoon, and that was it. After awhile, I felt like a checkbox on his list of routines.

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Nice observation, Lorene.

The only question you need to ask is “is once a week enough?”

Love, Cherry

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Jean Anne May 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Hello Cherry,
This particular video (the one you have done before coming over to France) is very true and certainly reflects the sound, down to earth advice which I have been brought up to heed.
If you have a minute though, please help me to figure this one out.  It does not seem to be him but me who is messing things up.  
It is not him who makes a fuss over everything.  It is I who is the critical one.
However, he does get up and leave, sometimes when I am in the middle of a sentence and this makes me boiling mad.
And also changes the subject just when (after a well structured build-up) I am going to announce the very purpose of the conversation.
I have always put it down to our coming from different backgrounds, from different cultures and that my timing or intention (because I can be quite trying and nervous sometimes due to work) have not been too well planned or purposeful.
And it is disheartening.  So like every brave woman, I have focused on work, on new challenges at home or on a couple of outings.  
My present challenge is work.  
I think I am a demanding woman, and have to keep myself busy because if I do not, I get to behave in an unreasonable way.
Being a workalog has provided some sort of solace and well being (self satisfaction, I would say).  There is however no (no more, because I have asked for a 'pause' which has ended in a divorce) more man, nor any other type of man either on the horizon.  
Sometimes I like this situation.  Sometimes I yearn for a partner.  Looks like I need to start dating again.  Or at least decide to get back on the market once more, if only for an occasional flirt.
Jean

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Thanks for your comment, Jean Anne!

Great topic for a future Q & A video. You’re not alone in this and your awareness is keen. I’ll address this more later …

Love, Cherry

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Kathy May 23, 2014 at 6:37 pm

Cherry,
I, too, feel like Jean Anne at times.. Did you make a video on this topic and if so, which one?  You're advice in this video is right on!
Thanks Kathy

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Barbara May 18, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Thank you Cherry ,
great tips… 
Barbara

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Thank you for watching, Barbara 🙂

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Eva May 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Cherry, as always I loved your video…really great advice…especially I liked the part where you point out that when a woman asks a man about longevity,  continuitiy and exclusivity…it's a good sign when he says he needs to think about it…and takes his time to really check in with himself how he really feels about those things..
I had exactly situation like that where the guy I was dating…very quickly jumped into how much he loves me and that "off course" he is serious about me…and he is investing himself in me…just for me short while after to find out that even though he stated so eagerly all those things…he was still looking for other dates…and flirting with other women and I'm not sure if he was doing other things like dating or sleeping with other women…
I love your advice and it is never too much to repeat it to us…single ladies.
We greatly appreciate it. Bon Voyage! enjoy your anniversary trip to France : )
thank you.

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Cherry Norris May 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Thank you so much, Eva!

As always, I appreciate your comments and feedback!

A bientot 🙂

Love, Cherry

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Amanda May 23, 2014 at 9:34 pm

Hello thanks Cherry, I wish I had know this before.  I will use it again though as I am planning to have this chat with a certain guy. Even though we've know each other for ages I still think it would work to try again.  Well its great tips anyway!  Thanks

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