When He Leaves Then Returns After Months …

by Cherry Norris on February 24, 2016

Men are so weird.  Seriously.

If you've ever met a man who at first seems quite nice and interested …

So much that he takes you out, shows you a good time or two

And as soon as you start diggin' his attenttion, suddenly

POOF!

He's gone just like that.

Weeks turn into months.  Then suddenly

POOF!

He's back texting and calling like no time has past.

Whazz's up with that?

Today's video gives you a fun, fail-proof tip on what to do (and what he's thinking!) when a man disappears and doesn't call back for months.

If you ever feel like you're the last option for a man when nothing else works out, you'll be surprised to see why he really calls back!

Leave me a comment below and tell me how you react when a man stops calling, then calls back after months.

Thanks so much for watching and if you like it, please share the love with your friends!

Love,

Cherry

{ 82 comments… read them below or add one }

Ruth September 27, 2016 at 4:13 pm

Hi everyone,

I am currently experiencing a man who has done a disappearing act on me. We started chatting online 6 weeks ago. We spoke on the phone everyday and messaged each other numerous times during each day. We talked about our lives and I felt that I had a good connection to this guy, something I do not usually feel. Especially as we had chatted everyday for over a month and he said that he felt the same way. His last message to me stated that he could not wait to meet me and that he thought we had a great connection. He also assured me that he would contact me soon. Well, that was nearly 10 days ago and… nothing. Not a text, phone call.. nothing. I have noticed that he has not been online on the dating website we met on over the past 10 days either.

Naturally, my first instinct was to think that he has been busy and that there are genuine reasons for his not calling. But I have never experienced chatting to someone then just getting nothing back. I have thought all a manner of scenarios, like he has had an accident or he was married, but why spend so much time chatting to someone and getting their hopes up if that was the case? I am genuinely confused and I do feel hurt as this is the first time I have spoken to someone after a breaking up with a long term partner. I was raised to be honest with people, and would have respected that he contact me, even if it was to give me some excuse as to why he couldn't see me. Getting nothing back but complete silence from a person that I thought I could like is much worse.There is no closure. and if he somes back because I am simply his favourite and he's had chance to test out other women and come to that conclusion feels disrespectful, arrogant and downright rude. And I feel the likelihood of him doing it again is inevitable.

I am feeling let down at the moment and know that it is not my fault but cannot help but feel hurt by these actions. Any advice would be helpful.

 

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Megan June 22, 2016 at 6:08 am

Hi Cherry, thanks for this video!  I never considered this view on the subject.  8 months ago a guy contacted me on an online dating site, we chatted online off and on but as there is a bit of distance between where we both live nothing eventuated.  I took it for what it was, perhaps he was bored and wanted someone to chat to, which was my situation really at the time.  At times I disappeared and went back, at times he has.  He always stayed in my mind, but I assumed he was off dating others and coming back as a last resort.  After watching your video I took your thoughts and wondered if possibly I was the one he kept coming back to as I was the one who shined above all else.  It seemed unbelievable, but as a result I took the plunge and asked him out.  We are meeting this weekend halfway between our two cities for dinner.  (I am taking a friend who will be nearby for safety of course!)  I'm glad I came across your video, thank you.

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T June 20, 2016 at 4:00 am

Hi cherry ! I love your videos .  This too has happened to me .   This guy and I actually dated for about 2 months then he suddenly disappeared . We started texting and talking on the phone again about a month ago but he has not asked me out .  He's casually mentioned we should get together but had not initiated anything as of yet . What is the deal ? Is he just looking for a friend when he's bored or is he interested .  He apologized for just disappearing from my life and even said he did not think I would want to hear from him let alone speak to him .  Our conversations seem to go well but that's just it there is nothing more than texting and phone calls . What should I do now ? 

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Esme June 9, 2016 at 7:07 pm

Ok, here's my story, met a man online it was k for awhile. I decided to cut it off but he told me of some very bad news in his life so I decided to stay when at such time he could cope with "things."  After 6 month's of him texting me copious times day, he one day abruptedly said he was tired didn't want to talk to me anymore, maybe down the road we could be friends. Must say that at one point he wanted me to live with him & possibly get married. I didn't think that was a good idea, but beause he was going throught difficulities, I postponed dumping him.  I honored his request of no contact, as a matter f fact I heard he had connected with someone else. Now here's the twust, last week he contacted me & said he missed me & it was hard on him (can you imagine) for us not communicating anymore. My question is, "What the heck is going on with him?!?" I'm not going back to him or engaging in any sort of friendship, however, I am curious as to what you or others out there think is going on in his head to even think after all this time I would be open to his overtures.

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LC May 19, 2016 at 8:54 pm

This is what I wrote to my latest disappearing acts who texted me "hey" and "hey stranger" after I'd deleted them from my phone: "Whenever a man disappears on me for more than 2 weeks, he gets deleted. So whomever you are, I wish you well, but I'm interested in a man who doesn't pull the disappearing act on me. I have no time for it, and so many of you do it, while calling me "babe," that it's just boring already. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who like this sort of player thing, but I'm not one of them. Cheers!" And both of these guys had talked marriage, children, and said they loved me before pulling a Houdini. Don't put up with it, ladies. If they got dumped every time they disappeared, they'd think twice about leaving.

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Amy April 17, 2016 at 8:19 am

Hi, (Different Amy than the one below) On the surface, it might seem like things "just didn't work", and that would be fine with me, except it is not. I met up with a guy for dinner out of mutual boredom, but we ended up hitting it off very well and had a great time. I asked him when he dropped me off if he wanted to come over for dinner one night, he said yes, then when he got home, messaged me again to say he had a good time. So, 2 days later, I invited him ovr for dinner and he accepted. Over hours of talking on the first night and the second, we found we had so much in common and really got along well. We ended up kissing and messing around a bit, but no sex because I had that… monthly issue which was kind of awkward to tell him, but he seemed so understanding about it. When he got home, again, he messaged me, and it was the sweetest, nicest messaged I have ever gotten, saying how much he truly liked me and that he wished he could have spent longer with me. The next day I messaged him a simple "hi, how's your day?" and he answered he had just been watching a movie. THAT WAS THE LAST I EVER HEARD FROM HIM. Of course I messaged him back because I had no idea watching a movie was synonymous with totally ditching someone. Once that message was not returned, I was actually worried about him. I worried for an entire day until I saw yes, he had been online and was quite alive… he just apparently wanted to act like I never existed. Sure, going out with someone twice means nothing in the long run, but I just can't understand why someone would pour their heart out in a message when they are clearly uninterested. It wasn't necessary. 

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Amy March 25, 2016 at 11:36 pm

Hi Cherry,

I totally agree with your advice.  I met a man online and we seemed to hit it off right away through texting.  After about two weeks, we met for a drink, and had a great time.  After two more weeks of texting, he finally asked me out again.  He was very polite about asking and seemed a little insecure about asking me.  I accepted and he took me to a nice place for dinner and dancing, and I had a wonderful time.  The slow dance got me hooked.  Well, the texting went on again for a couple of weeks and he didn't mention going on another date.  I finally decided to ask him if he'd like to get together again sometime, and he answered that it "wasn't in the cards."  I thanked him for his honesty and although I really didn't know the reason, at least he answered me.  I never thought I'd hear from him again  One month to the day later, he texted me that he was watching a TV show that we both "liked" and was thinking of me.  He also said if I didn't answer him he would understand.  Do you know what I did, I answered him.  We've been texting again and I think he's too nervous to ask me out again, but I'm in no rush, although I would like to see him again.  By the way, we are both in our 50's, too old to play games.

Amy

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wen March 18, 2016 at 2:08 am

i just browse and find this video and wow! love your positive thinking! Usually if men do that i assume they want diversity and date different girls so i usually go date diff guys too.lol i am never the kind to keep going after the MIA no matter how much i liked them. and 2nd chance is ok but not more than that if he mia again.lol it really sucks when it happened to us. i am wondering if anyone here got back together with a guy who used to MIA but then now in a stable relationship and possibly married?!?

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Marie February 29, 2016 at 10:46 am

I was welcoming (unconsciously, from the position of servant girl waiting to be liked) to men that reappeared, and most of the time, they disappeared again. I put more standards in my writing, corrected my being a servant girl or said something unconsciously that was not "a fit for them" (e.g. I made sure to state that I relocated to a village living with a parent for the time being, no more in the big city where one ex-guy wanted to see me…he never replayed back after this information). I´d not be welcoming to someone who hurt me in the past, did not apologise and did not recompensated (one of those guys wrote me last week "hey, it has been long time (6 years), what s´up with you " ? Not an offer I want to accept. I have one guy I liked who did not stepped up that time, but if he recontacted me, I´d be welcoming and watch if he gives me an offer I want to accept (a better one than that time).

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Dee February 27, 2016 at 11:57 pm

I have been watching your videos for years now and have enjoyed getting your advice.  I am often surprised that you don't seem to have a proofreader.  Errors such as "time has past", when it should be "passed", bother me.  Guess I should have been an English teacher.

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Natalie February 27, 2016 at 9:03 pm

That would be fine if the man would be willing to start from the scratch. However, in this type of scenario they act as if all that time that has passed after they disappeared without a notice, you were supposed to grow fonder of them, as if you had been dating all that time and building up a relationship.

Another thing: don't you think that by pretending that nothing happened  we would be sending him a msg that it's ok for him to come and go whenever he pleases without a warning, we'd be waiting tight here, where he left off. And also, whenever he  does smth that upsets us, he can just disappear for a while, and then reapppear and everything is going to be fine again. No need to take responsibility for one's own actions or words, address concerns, take into considerationa the other party's feelings and make amends (if applicable).

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Therese February 27, 2016 at 7:40 am

Hi Cherry,

I LOVE your perspective. So positive. I would not have thought about it this way but it makes perfect sense. Thank you so much!!!

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Mona February 26, 2016 at 11:41 pm

Thank you so much!! What a wonderful way to think about this, I never thought of this..thank you for opening my eyes to the possible opportunity with a man I really like who disappears and reappears….I am the prize!! I am the woman he cannot get out of his mind…Thank you Thank you!!

 

Mona

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Mona February 26, 2016 at 11:43 pm

Men have such different emotionas than women, why would you expect him to explain himself when he was just being a man…you can beat them up and be right!! oir you can be happy by having fun with the fact that he came back!! I cannot tell  you how many of my GF have told me they broke up with a man to date others and then realized they missed the man they are now married too….

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Beverly February 26, 2016 at 6:31 pm

Hi, There. I usually enjoy the advice here, but I find I cannot agree with this particular article. I had a two year relationship with a man who came on very strong in the beginning, then backtracked, as they often do. We eventually broke up and I think he is now married to someone else. In the interim, I have done a lot of reading about midlife dating and how men respond and react. While disappearing may be typical for some, I also believe that a man who respects, cares for and is interested in a relationship will not just disappear and then reappear without comment. THAT IS SIMPLY DISRESPECTFUL, DISHONEST AND RUDE, and there is no reason why a woman should pretend nothing happened to give a reboot opportunity. At the very least, a sincere man would attempt to explain his "feelings" and absence. Otherwise, if he cannot communicate well, the relationship ultimately will fail. I say ladies, do not bother…too many fish out there in the big sea.

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Gina February 26, 2016 at 2:07 pm

I recently heard from a man I hadn't seen or spoken with for at leats a year…possibly a year and a half. He located to my city and contacted mt out of the blue. I am seeing him this evening, and will listen to hear his story. So…this happens. What I acn say about this mian is that he is kind and very very nice. I must admit however, that he did let me know as a courtesy the last time we spoke, that he was finding it difficult to get acquainted given the distance ( he lived an hour away in another state) and he let me know he was dating a lady closer at hand.

so, not sure this is quite the same thing, but I think these returns from the abyss come in all shapes and sizes.

Gina

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Lianna January 29, 2016 at 2:37 pm

Hi i known a guy for the past 2 years now, he said he wasn't ready for commitment but will always bother me here and there. Will call me or text me even and asked to see me. The furthest we done is make out intense but no sex. He recently msged me again in January 2016 and asked him why does he want to chill? If he does make it official so he said I will so he said to come and see him. I went to see him and I said want you want to do? He said want to love things forward and make it official so after that we chilled late again and he said we're together but hasn't text much after he went back to Ottawa? I heard he was chilling with other girls before but I don't know why would he even still bother me? You think he thinks I'm easy? Not A potential? What do I do? 

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sara February 26, 2016 at 3:59 pm

In this video, Cherry is talking about men dissapearing & reappearing after casual dates because You've made an impression but for whatever reasons (and there are tons of distractions in our lives today) he could not pursue things THEN but maybe ready Now!!  That said, Relatiohships in which couples were seeing eachother on&off or steady for a while and were sexually active when the guy dissapears and reapears after whatever amount of time – This is A LOT more complicated than a simple "act as nothing has happened"!!  My advice, Hear him out but don't sell yourself short and jump in bed with him again too soon!!! Make sure he's committed in getting to know you & he is consistent with his communication and wooing you before you start where you left off!!! make him understand that the relationship has reset itself when he disapeared on you and he has to show some consistency before you are comfortable with jumping in both feet!  I always say, I'd rather meet someone new than get back to a yoyo relatiohship where I can't be carefree anymore… Men…and some women today, have a rolladex of potential dates they keep in contact with and "get together with" as convenient to them!! Don't fall into that type of trap because no matter how "fun" it may seem that moment, you'd feel used and empty afterwards!  Men can have casual sex everyday without being emotionally phased… but I do believe women, no matter how we try to convice ourselves otherwise, become emotionally attached to our sexual partner(s) EVEN if we know they're bad for us! So, it's YOUR job to protect yourself emotionally and demand respect…it's not the guy's job!  He will take what you offer without ANY of the "preconceived obligations or promises" YOU might think comes with a sexual relatiohship… so, if he dissapears on you after you've slept with him… It's a big freaking deal and he better have some great story and excuse and really prove BY ACTIONS that he wants to stick around before you shoul just "jump back in"! Otherwise you're just another girl in his rolladex of women to fill his ego bucket and keep him warm while he's figuring shit out in his life and wooing other, less available women!  Take Care of YOURSELVES because noone else will!

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Jan February 26, 2016 at 4:45 pm

Personally Lianna, based on your description my gut is telling me that you are only an option to him and that he hasn't made you a priority in his life.  The biggest red flag to me is that he made you go to him in order to make it official.  You made it easy for him and in my mind he didn't have to work for it.  People always value and respect something/someone more if they have to earn it.  I sort of get the feeling his is only telling you that your are an "item" so that he can have sex with you. After a few times he'll probably vanish or end things. I think he is only looking for a friend with benefits; I weed men like this out immediately. 

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Darci January 1, 2016 at 4:29 am

Hi Cherry, My name is Darci Parks and I have a problem, I've been friends with this married guy for quite some time now ( we met when he was dating an old friend of mine in high school) we began to talk and went to the movies once, we have flirted a little bit and even talked  about sleeping with each other ( which would never happen on my end because he is married) anyway, back in August he texted me and asked if I had gotten a boyfriend yet, and when I told him I wasn't looking for a boyfriend he stopped talking to me for four months, on New Years Eve 2015 he texted me ( while he'd been drinking but wasn't drunk so he says) anyway I had gotten to the point where I no longer had feelings for him but now that he has texted me I don't know how I feel. Please help, why would he text me after months of not talking to me??

 

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Dena December 2, 2015 at 4:40 am

So I met a man January 9 2015.  He vanished Feb. 9 2015.  We would go to the movies and dinner.  We had a good time. ( I thought)  After Feb. 9th I never heard from him again…..untill….late Oct. 2015.  He called me and asked me if I wanted to come over.  I said no and asked him where was all of this time.  He told me he got laid off and had to find another job and that he had to find another apartment as well.  (sounded fishy).  A few days after that he came to visit me at my job and wanted to talk with me some more.  I took a short break with him.  He told me he had been through a lot but wanted to see me again.  (My friends told me either he was in jail or with another woman).  So I asked him lets go out that weekend.  He said he had to check his schedule. I thought to myself, "What"  He just came to visit me and now he has to check his schedule. OMG reallly.  He just told me a second ago he works Mon.-Fri and has his weekends were free.  (Playing games).  So he said Friday night might work.  Friday afternoon came around and he text me what time did I have to work the next day.  I text him back the time and nothing else was said from him., Saturday and Sunday night came and went and not a word or text from him.  So early Monday morning I text him and told him he was a sorry piece of you know what, he wasn't a real man, and he had no guts, no glory, no balls and no sense and to leave me alone.  I  felt great after that.  What a loser..

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Zalina Abner June 20, 2015 at 3:28 am

Hi Cherry,

I am pretty heart broken right now. I had been dating a guy since this past Febuary. We would go out to eat, go to attractions, the beach, and just hangout with each other. We would kiss quite often, hold hands, and hug all the time. Then something changed within our relatiosnhip a few weeks ago—we had sex and it was AMAZING. He even preached on it! On our way home he told me that he wanted me to start coming over to sleepover so that we could watch Netflix, order pizza, and smoke weed together (ahah sorry, I must confess), and just be silly. I was thrilled and excited! I asked him a day later what he wanted from me (fuck buddy/relationship) and he told me that he wanted something inbetween, which I respect, I just wanted to be on the same page and I emphasized that to him.Then he slowly stopped comunicating with me as much after that. A few days ago he texted me and wanted to hangout the following day! When I texted him the following day he didn't answer my messages—so I got worried and texted him the day after to see if he was okay—I then texted him one more time today, but still no response. He stood me up… did I do something wrong? I thought things were good…I am just really sad and I know relationships do not determine happiness, but I thought things were going to be different. I feel like an idiot because I invested SO MUCH TIME in this and I do not like to date so I really feel like I took a lost with this. 

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didly June 4, 2015 at 10:44 am

Hi, I was dating someone that I met through a friend. We hit it off right away. Things were great between us and then one day he said he wanted to get serious and ask me to be his girlfriend. We talked about having children (he initiated all conversations btw ). When I said ok leta do it after he left my home. He became distant. Calls started dropping and puff he disappeared for months. No calls, no explanation.
A couples of months later he contacts me again apologizing saying he made a mistake and that I was the best thing in hia life. I gave him another chance. A couple of months went by. We dated, spent weekends together and one weekend out the blue he said he loved me, wanted me in his life, wanted to marry me and move with him to where his job was sending him. At first I was shocked and couldnt believe what he was asking. Of course i said yes, i loved him too. We talked abput it over the weekend and then when he left again became distant, calls/ text dropped and he end up relocated without contacting me. I took a leap of faith. I had no idea he would do this again but this time went to the extreme with love and marriage. What are your thoughts on that?

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Olivia May 11, 2015 at 8:28 am

Extremely interesting conversation strand. I love your optimism, Cherry.

I met someone online and got into casual conversation with them. Even then, they would sometimes leave it some days before replying but their job was demanding and it was only on a friendly basis, so I thought nothing of it.

We did progress, past the friendly stage, to a date. After which, the same delay in messaging back occurred. I did think it odd but was busy at the time myself. We live quite a distance apart and about a month later, we arranged another date. Afterwards, I let him know I'd got home safely but then heard completely nothing…. for four months. He contacted me a few days ago and I sent no reply but decided I would "look into" his connections on social media.

I found;

a) That he has been in a "serious" relationship since before he saw me the last time.

b) He ran a gay bar abroad for some years and there is every probability that he is actively bi-sexual. I have no objections to people's sexuality, I do think that it is their responsibility to inform someone they have affection for of their tastes, which he definitely did not.

My advice on the AWOL type is, run a mile girls. You just don't know what they're doing in those protracted periods of time they can't be accounted for.

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Danielle April 13, 2015 at 8:56 pm

I have been dating this guy off and on for almost four years and a year and a half ago he moved to Fla and moved his friend in with him right away because I didn't move with Him. Well he did date somebody else for 3 months but it didn't work out and I didn't hear from him for months and then suddenly he started ringing up my phone again . I'm not really sure what I should do now .

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Linda April 4, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Sorry, I don't like the disappearing acts. his never happened when I met men in person but went on for FOUR YEARS with a guy I met on Plentyoffreaks. He never took his profile down, never told me where he lived or worked, said he lived with Mom but would never show me where, Shame on me for accepting his weird calls and even weirder dates. I never put up with this before and won;t do it again. Men I clicked with in the past did not disappear and reappear. They stayed.

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lovely February 24, 2015 at 5:56 pm

Dear Cherry, Hi, I met this guy through a friend and we talked for 1 month, I went over his home to visit and he came over my house….I talked about what I was looking for in the future as well as a man…we kissed and that was all…..I have not heard from him since…I called and he has not returned my calls or texts…what should I do…I am really embarrassed becaue I was starting to like him?

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Sally January 29, 2015 at 10:02 am

it sounds like all the guys you’re talking about are narcissists? wouldn’t hurt to check it out.

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lynn January 7, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Met a guy in Oct,everything appeared great until he went old shoulder on me last month needless to say I was devasted and confused as to how he could drop me without notice! He just text me this past sat after 3weeks I responded and he said maybe we can get together soon haven’t heard from him since. Should I let him I initiate the call or should I call him?

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Daisy January 6, 2015 at 1:29 am

Thank you for that video. Although it really stings when it happens, I agree that it is a good idea to be receptive and hear him out. For some it may mean just getting closure in order to move on after a guy has played the disappearing game on you. The shoe could have been on the other foot and wouldn’t you like a second chance to at least explain to the other person why you did what you did and get an opportunity to apologize to them? I think age plays a big factor in this scenario. The older you get, the more you realize that if this someone is a person that you can see a future with, then why not? It’s better than being alone, right? He may end up respecting you even more for giving him a second chance. This literally just happened to me yesterday after a three month disappearing act. Let’s see where this goes.

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Milissa Smith December 22, 2014 at 3:13 pm

I just happened on your website and saw your response to this question and I know that is exactly what my man is doing. We have a distance issue of an hour between us. I know he cares a lot for me and no….we have never slept together. However, we are connected. We dated over a year and a half ago and then one day he just said he didn’t know how to make it work. He has 3 older children in their teens and mine or under the age of 11. He disappears for a while and then about every 2 to 4 weeks he text or calls. He called me one evening after a date and I said what where you doing tonight and he said actually I was on a date and I said “still looking for Mrs. Right” and he said “Mrs. Right lives too far”. Which in my mind is stupid because in this technological world 1 hour is not far. However, I have had many relationships that I have “forced” things to happen and then regretted. So I pray and I let go and I hope that someday he will be smart enough to realize that being with me some of the time is better than not being with me at all. However, if he doesn’t figure this out than he wasn’t as smart a man as I know him to be. Good Luck to everyone and I believe that thinking positive about relationships is the best way to have them become positive. M

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Vicki December 20, 2014 at 11:12 pm

This guy and I had a thing hang out go to moves I thought it was going some where went up north with his family. Then after like 4 months gone stop talking to me for 3 months. Then Out of no where he text me!! Say he was sorry for being a dick and was scared of commitment. That why. He want make it up but what to think then I text him this morning never text back what to think!!!!!!

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Joslyn August 24, 2014 at 1:43 am

Love your words of wisdom Cherry! You're a great example and someone who truly thinks outside of the traditional Box! I love what you said with Arielle Ford's interview about how no matter how long we are with someone, it's a journey and to focus on the now AND not to focus on the future so much, go with what your feel and what your body feels. Although, we have to assess is it only sex with a badboy and we want something more meaningful, we should also listen to that as well. But I love what you said about "the list" and how that stops alot of us from finding love! I love how you show not to have an attitude when a guy who disappears pops back up, because actually, you aren't the last resort, you just haven't left his mind! You inspire us sexy, hotter older women not to give up hope!

Thank you!!

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Cherry Norris August 24, 2014 at 4:02 pm

So appreciate your note, Joslyn!

Thank YOU 🙂

Love,

Cherry

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Kazzabear April 1, 2015 at 12:23 am

Hi Cherry, 

Just watched the video and it has given me a whole new perspective so thank you! I have a guy friend who I started to like last year but our chats had started to become brief. He'd reply after weeks and in my mind, I thought I was the last option. But recently, just before my birthday, he messaged and we got talking, I realised how much I missed him but I also realised how after so many months that I was slowly hurting. I never told him how I felt. But now, he still hasn't replied to me and I'm not expecting anything from him. I still care for him of course. But I just wonder if he really does miss me. I'd love to know what he's thinking and if I'm wasting my time thinking about him. 

 

 

Thank you! 

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Rae July 3, 2016 at 5:05 am

I also wonder if the man I used to call my boyfriend,who also disappeared on me, still thinks about me too.

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Enjema August 21, 2014 at 6:52 am

My boyfriend of four years stopped calling me a day after his birthday. Its been two months now and suddenly he calls in the evening acting like everything is fine,requesting I travel to the next town to see him….I love him bt we’ve broken up four times already. I dnt know what to do

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Beth June 13, 2014 at 1:37 am

Yes this just happened to me too. A guy that I have been seeing for almost a year and a half  vanished for a week. I honestly thought something was  terribly wrong, since we were very close. Him hooking up with another woman didnt even cross my mind.  He reached out to me after a week saying he is sorry that he did me wrong , yes he hooked up with a a girl and sex was really bad so he wants to come back. I apperciated his honesty but what a weirdo..lol
 

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Rae July 3, 2016 at 5:06 am

Wow… lol that is weird

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Tina June 1, 2014 at 1:10 am

Thank you for the positive perspective on the guys that come back! Even if, given the time to think it over, I'm not interested in going for Round Two.

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Polly May 31, 2014 at 6:47 pm

Hi Cherry,
I am learning so much about dating from you!  I recently met a man who played the hero and asked for my number.  Since then, he has texted me a few times but has not called or asked me out.  I feel undervalued and no longer wish to maintain this virtual friendship. Should I cease to answer his texts, or hang in there to see if he ever makes a move?

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Cherry Norris June 2, 2014 at 5:09 pm

Hi Polly,
Thanks for your note. Let this man go after 3 exchanges if he hasn’t asked you out!
Best word in the English dictionary … “Next!”
Love,
Cherry

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randy May 31, 2014 at 12:51 am

I am a man and the same thing happens to me with women all the time.  This isn't a gender thing.  Some people are just spaced out.  I get women emailing or texting after not responding for 3 months, as if it was yesterday, with no explanation.  I really wish you would stop generisizing your advice.  Men and women are really not that different.

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Nata May 30, 2014 at 10:20 pm

Yes, life works in misterious way sometimes and this advice might work for some, but in my experience if a man vanishes on you, he ll do it again. I have a guy texting me who betrayed me and dumped me 3 times! Now he is texting me again and telling me how he appreciated me? Weirdo. Also a man whom i dated and was in love dumped me and ignored me for 3 years suddenly wants to see me. My thoughts are for sex or something?  Bottom line, someone who betrayed you once ( or twice if you are so kind enough), will do it again.  Very few people change in that sense.  But we keep hoping….and hurting. no more!

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Marisa May 30, 2014 at 9:20 pm

Dear Cherry,

I am 45, have a 10 years old child and divorced 7 years ago. I was not dating all this time, since I needed to heal emotionally and take care of many things.

In the beginning of this year, I was dating a man who told me "he was not ready for a relationship like the one I want, due many things going on in his life that he could not manage; he said he likes me a lot and he cares about me, he does not want to hurt me and explain that this is why he does not want to have a relationship with me at that time", he was very honest about his feelings.

I fell deeply in love with him but I let him go. Our last communication was about two months ago. I continued dating another man all this time (I wanted to forget him and push myself to keep going to meet other men).

The funny thing is that he just came back today sending me a brief message, after 7 weeks of no communication from my part. I text him back, very shortly, and after 10 minutes I got a phone call "just to say hello". I was happy to hear from him, I was busy, authentically happy, I spoke very superficially just to re-connect and I did not ask him anything, but he self-explained anyway, the reason he was not in contact with me all this time.  He also wanted to know about my "dating life" and I let him know I am still available.

I did not ask him if we are going to meet once again… no no… he must do that part if he want to. He must be clear.  I just will be patient… not really, I am really enjoying my life as it is… and learning a lot about men and relationship of all kinds. Very interesting…

I am open to find love once again… I know I am emotionally mature and ready. So… it is a matter of time and keep going out. But I am sure, I am much more prepare to be in a real relationship than I was in any other previous relationship in all my life. And that is real power!!!! I am so proud of me.

Love,

Great videos, always.

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Cherry Norris May 31, 2014 at 5:54 pm

Beautiful, Marisa!
Thanks for sharing.
Love,
Cherry

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Goldberry May 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm

I also must respectfully disagree.  Why can't the guy explain why he's taking a break?  There's no need to disappear like that.  The one guy who did this to me I decided to give a second chance to… and then he started verbally abusing me and broke up with me by text!  Why?  Because he doesn't have the communication skills for a real relationship or to treat a woman respectfully when it really matters.  Even in ambiguous friendships where dating was an ever-present possibility, the guys never did this hot/cold act.  They were able to communicate either verbally or non-verbally what their feelings and intentions were.  I won't be giving a "disappearer" another chance again.

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Kay February 17, 2015 at 1:54 am

I agree with this comment. If a man just up and disappears without any explaination, he has no respectf or you in the first place. He probably doesn't care either. Really? We should take him back so he can walk all over us and do it again. Disappear whenever he feels like cheating or trying out something new.  That's just crazy. 

 

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Lee May 30, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Hi Cherry
Just a question.  I am a fan of your blog.
Just want  to know how to react to a man who disappeared but returned after a bad divorce after 5 years and says he had never forgotten me.  That he had made a mistake and the only thing that kept him from a breakdown is thoughts about me throughout his bad marriage.
 

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Cherry Norris May 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Hi Lee,
Thanks for your note. I suggest you give him a chance and see what he offers. You’ll know soon enough if he’s “all talk” or if he’s seriously interested in building a relationship with you.
Love,
Cherry

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m May 30, 2014 at 11:52 am

If it's one time I would give him a chance.  If he constantly does this, dump him.  I should take my own advise.  

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Kate April 17, 2014 at 12:07 am

Life is too short to waste time on time wasters when there are literally millions of men out there. Who cares about, or even wants to know the reasons why a guy fades away and reappears. All you need to know is that it's disrespectful, childish and just plain eye-rollingly tiresome behaviour, which should be ignored. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…..

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roshini February 6, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Hi Cherry,
I met this man through family, I come from a culture where arrange marriages do happen. However, he said no, but I took it very nicely and said it was alright. I was nice n all and left him alone. he was stalking me online and on IMs, and finally one day i confronted him very sweetly. I didnt pursue, hoping he would and he did sporadically- one day he would text a lot and be happy, next time he would sound irritated. We live in different states, so finally I met him again. Had a great date, we laughed and joked and his body language shwed interest but soon after  he checks on me once on text and thats it …I dont hear from him, its been 3 weeks and I am back home. He is a divorcee and whenever he did talk about marriage, he was always negative.!..said i would date a girl for 6 months everyday if she was in teh same city..confused me up

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Kay January 13, 2014 at 12:14 am

I went on a single date with a guy in August.  It was a pretty good date, but I didn't honestly think much of it at the time. He texted me occasionally for the next few weeks but didn't ask me out again. Once he even asked me what I was doing for the weekend, but didn't follow up until the next week.  I remember thinking it was a little strange that he wasn't asking me out.
On Dec 20 he wrote me asking me how I was and saying that he'd been traveling a lot and that we should catch up after the holidays. I said ok and was friendly and open in response to him.  It's been a little more than 3 weeks (but who's counting) since then.  At what point should the window of opportunity close for him?  
A little background: he had come out of a 5-year relationship when I met him in August and was just back on the market.  We met via online dating.
thanks Cherry!

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Mao December 6, 2013 at 2:24 pm

SO when is it ok for someone to treat you like this? I would never let a man do this to me, never! He wants to come back – all he would get is a slammed door in his face.  If he couldn't respect me enough to talk to me calmly, then he doesn't deserve to be with me!

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Janice Wildemore September 14, 2013 at 12:02 am

Hi Cherry!     I  just watched your video, answering the question, what to do if alot of time passes, and suddenly…the guy you dated, decides to call back. I "really like that you turn it into a "positive"! And you are right…."nothing has happened, because after all, you are NOT in a committed, ongoing relationship", so there's nothing to discuss! Sometimes I feel sad we women are such "emotional" creatures, because we are looking for love, stability, commitment, and it's painful to realize many men do not think about being with us, in any of those ways. I am happy I'm a woman, with a caring and kind heart. Thanks again, and I'll keep watching your videos….GREAT and warm advice on the opposite sex!

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Shelia July 2, 2013 at 8:22 am

I was with my man for 4 years he had got unemployed and was about to get put out of his home his son lived with him also so i let my place go and moved in to help him and his son. And now rent and bill where on me his son wanted to move on with his mom so he did  then my man met a woman on the chat line who lived in another state so he lift me and moved with her. Then less then a month later he wanted to come back and i let him he said the grass not always greener on the other side and he will never do it again. Then it came he just left me again for another woman and this time if it dont work out he can not come back.

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maggymay June 2, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I have the same situation he keeps comming back in the winter he sees me more than once a week once the summer comes I don’t see him to often last time it took him over a month to see me always says he was to busy now its been 2weeks since I’ve seen him I text him he does answer but I don’t text him everyday it seems like if I don’t eventually he gets in touch I never thought of it that why until I saw your video that makes me feel a little better your video

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Jackie October 22, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Thanks for sharing…..I used to think it was mature to reply even if its been awhile but now….I realize a mature man wouldnt go off and then come back… if he is upfront with just dating so be it….if he wants a relationship then he wont go MIA…. aw wont bother to accept a call or text. Glad I can haunt him with my mature ways and the fact that I know what I want.

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Newcomer October 20, 2012 at 2:59 am

Hi Cherry
Very sweet video, but I'm sorry to have to disagree.  I find any time I give a guy a second chance I learn I was right about him the first time.  That means if he goes AWOL and comes back he is most likely to do it again.  Or if he is manipulative, sneaky or lies in some way.  I confront him, he does it again.  And while it's nice to give some one a second chance in my personal experience, they usually don't deserve it. And it seems to means  to them that if I give them a second chance they view it as weakness or that I'm a push over – weird.  It could just be the men who are attracted to me.  
It seems men who are really interested follow through.  And for those men who take a hiatus and really grow up or change even talk about it, are more mature.  Often the guys are repeat offenders.
However, that doesn't mean this type of situation couldn't work out for some one else.Happy dating to all!
Cheryl

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Cheryl October 13, 2012 at 4:27 am

Hi Cherry.. Thank you so much for another GREAT VIDEO on a topic that many women experience!!!
Can you do another advice video as to why the men disappear in the first place?? This recently happened to me. We dated for 3 going on 4 months. During that time he acted VERY interested in a relationship. I acted carefree and didn't place pressure on him, and 'went with the flow'. I was careful to not bring up relationship heavy stuff… THen Poof! He suddenly disappeared without an explanation as to why!!! So heartbreaking! I HOPE he will eventually come around and try to contact me again, and if so, your advice helps to know what do do!!! Thanks!!

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Patti October 13, 2012 at 2:08 am

Dear Cherry, I can't believe the question about what to do after you date a guy after 2 or 3 dates or months and then "poof", and then after time they start texting and calling again. I enjoyed your answer. This just happened to me about 3 weeks ago. This man after 8 months texted me for over 6 weeks!!! I finally texted him back and asked him "why are you texting me?" He then proceeded to beg for another chance and I kept telling him I"bad behavior dosen't change", and what enlighting moment happened to make him realize I was a woman of substance. The usual comments came. I said no!!! He kept pursuing me. I agreed to a dinner and that's it. That night he said I will not f—— it up. I promise. He asked me out to dinner that following week, and blew me off because of work. He could not even be man enough to tell me. Needless to say I really told him off. All this 55 year old man does is work. Now before your readers think I was wrong, I was blown off 3 more times. And then I lowered the boom. He needed to hear what I had to say. He is finished for good. I wish him well but he sucks at relationships and at his age he should know better. Bad behavior never changes, ever. These men can't even be honest with themselves or get some therapy. Hope this helps someone out there. Trust your own initution. Stay the course. Do not settle, at any time.!!!!!

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Kim October 13, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I agree.  I wouldn't waste my time either.  Life is too short for that.

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Carlie October 13, 2012 at 12:57 am

Thanks for the advice Cherry – I have been doing this with a guy who has been in and out of my life since January. In the past if a guy had pulled a disappearing act I would have cut him off completely… but since I have very strong feelings for this one I'm being more open to see what happens (while still dating others myself). We had a whirlwind relationship and he said he was about to buy a ring for me, but then he got spooked and has been back and forth ever since. I have not seen or slept with him since we were in a committed relationship (so it has been 6 months) but even still I find it very hard to deal with every time he comes back in contact. Usually it's a flurry of texts and calls once a month and then he disappears for a few weeks only to repeat the process.
At first he seemed to be testing me to see if I'd settle for just sex, and I had to turn him down (nicely)… then the last time he called he seemed to finally be ready to take me on a proper date again, but then he must have freaked out again as he didn't follow through.
The whole thing drives me bonkers and yet in all the men I've dated since then nobody comes close to our connection. I'm torn because hearing from him keeps me hooked and stops me from moving on… but I don't want to tell him to stop contacting me either because each time he seems to be getting closer…  
Men are so hard to understand!

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Bb August 10, 2013 at 3:49 am

Wow this situation is all to familiar. How sad is this? And my friends and family see me as such stong responsible type of gal. They have no idea how what I accepted every timemy ex comes bk. Im always ready to move on when he bails wthout a real excuse. What they do by not providing a reasonfor bailing. They leave the doors open, well at least those bastards think they do..

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linda June 3, 2014 at 5:14 am

Carlie–
I see I am r!epyling to an old post, so to anyone in this situation: RUN!  This is game playing AT BEST, and I suspect he is a narcissist and they will take you under.  No longer will I put up with anything but respect.  I used to make excuses for them.  It is time that we be able to brag on a man rather than make an excuse for such poor behavior.  I used to crave the connection that Carlie talks about–but in the end, it is just a poisonous hook.  If a man finds you worth his time, he will do what he needs to do, and realize YOUR value.  It's your job to value yourself–Remember how wonderful YOU are! 🙂
 

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Louise April 10, 2015 at 1:05 pm

Carlie there is nothing hard to understand about this man. He comes back to you when he has nothing better going on. Stop allowing it. You might also have abandonment issues because this 'connection' you describe appears triggered by his distance. 

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Sandra J. August 1, 2016 at 1:53 am

He's not a man (JMO).  He's a baby and always will be, and it sounds like he has an addict's behaviour.  If you like the "rush" of constantly rescuing him and taking him back, it had better be enough for you; because it will not change.  It sounds like he is in it for the rush, not the commitment.

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Betsy October 12, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I appreciate your advice, Cherry. If someone wants to give a guy another chance, maybe they are still gathering data on whether he is a quality man. In my experience, however, when a man does this kind of thing, they are unavailable in some way. I don't believe the behavior is respectful and certainly not considerate. I think it's important to honestly reflect and ask yourself, "Do I really feel this man is potentially 'the one' for me?" Or do I have reservations as well? Usually, in my experience, if I"m really honest with myself, there was something that felt not quite right about the person for me. If this is the case, better to pass and be available for someone who is. Love and best wishes to all! Betsy

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Reann October 23, 2014 at 1:26 pm

I so agree with you on that Betsy, I met a man at yoga class and we bumped into one another and from then on we had been hanging out, we went to a bar for our first date. Then after he kept trying to meet me last minute, and as far as I am concerned I don’t think it’s good when a man makes plans last minute even if plans are the next day, as I refuse to be an after thought to a man. I told him if he wants to make plans with me it has to be, a week in advance as I am a busy woman. So because he ignored my request for him to stop texting, me last minute plans I told him I was busy. And told him when I was free when he asked, he never even called. Needless to say after 2 months went by, with no contact from him, then he contacted me and guess what his explanation was, how he started guitar lessons. The man doesn’t even work, and makes money as a private landlord/renting out his own rooms at his home. So in my mind all I can think is he is not that serious about me, and I would rather move on to someone that does see me as relationship material and will see me and call me regularly. Not just swarm in and out of my life, because that’s just not good enough for me, and not what I am looking for so therefore he is not “the one.”

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Jan October 12, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Last year, I met this professional man who I adored and after dating for 2 months……he disappeared only to 'resurface 5 months later.  I gave him a second chance, and again after 3 months he disappeared again.  Now it has been 8 months, and boom……3 days ago I received an email from him saying……."he wanted to say hi!"  I couldn't believe he had the nerve to get "in touch" with me after dropping off the "face of the earth" twice….without any reason and without an explanation.  When we were together, it was wonderful.  We never argued and always had fun!  We shared many commalities, so I didn't understand why he left. And, the second time he came back, he told me he was in for the "long haul"….twice!! 
Cherry, I like your comment about how we are still on the man's mind even though he leaves without an explanation, but really, how many times are we to expected to be a "doormat"  for him!  (There was no sex involved with this relationship)
Everything I have read on this type of behind suggests a person who does that is committment phobic, and very self-absorded. 
After recovering from the lost I felt, I have moved on, and now have 2 great men in my life that I am dating.  Both professionals, both perfect gentleman, and both respect me.  It's such a pleasure!

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Daniela October 12, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Hi Cherry,
 
This happened to me with same man several times. I am always receptive, just need to know how to move it forward. Love watching your videos!

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ming wei October 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

A man I dropped text me after many months to say "You are still the best".  I did not reply. I decided that I deserved the best!

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Kim June 1, 2014 at 10:00 pm

You go girl, you do deserve the best.  Don't ever forget that! :o)

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Florence October 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Spot on Cherry!  I had this experience repeatedly with one guy over a span of 10 years thus far (and who knows he might come round again).  It was completely baffling and devastating to me mostly and I didn't handle it well for many years……..the goings part in particular.  I can pat myself on the back, however, for loving myself enough to require a stable, committed relationship before making love with him, so that never happening because I never compromised my heart on that.   I did mature a lot over the years for sure, and then was more as you are saying the last times he came around —-open, happy to see him, friendly—and I could see how he sincerely liked/loved me (and he was expressing this verbally) and was dropping anchor and seriously considering me for life partnership.  I needed to be able to talk to this guy as a mature adult, to slowly create a stable, committed relationship with him, and I was getting better and better at being friends with him and communicating responsibly, but I wasn't totally perfect yet, so bye, bye he went again, as soon as I became controlling and demanding out of fear (rather than just sharing what I wanted and needed and being open to what he wanted and needed and seeing if we could co-create a way to be together that worked for both of us).  Oh well, practice makes perfect.  On to the next guy.  So far so good!  : )

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Melanie October 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Cherry. This is really great advice because I have a similar situation occuring. It was with a man I dated 2 years ago, who I happened to go to high school with. He found me on facebook. We dated (exclusively, from his asking) for a week, after which, he decided to go back to his married ex-girlfriend and broke my heart. A year later, he went running to his couson (who happens to be my best friend) asking about me and telling her I had "Long term potential," and wanted to see me again. She set up a meeting and within an hour, we were kissing. However, 2 days later (and no sex!), after watching a movie together at his place on the couch, he walked me to my car & said we were "friends?!" That confused me, and I backed off. He keeps coming back, and running away.  I have always wondered if this was because he saw me as a best resort, or last resort? Now I have my answer. It's been going on "on and off" for 2 years now, with us both dating others inbetween, yet, he always somehow manages to come back! Whether it be for friendship or trying for more, but never asking for that committment. I don't know what to do with him to be honest? Of all the men I am seeing, he is the only 1 I have any real feelings for. So, I guess that's why he is able to get away with this. Any other guy I wouldn't bother with. Thank you for your words, they ring very true!
 
Sincerely,
Melanie

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Tracey Holliday October 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I love how you reframed why a man would call after falling off the face of the earth and how to respond when that happens.  Men really are from Mars!
 
Thanks again,
Tracey 

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myi October 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Thank you Cherry your awesome! I think the point is to find out if he wants a one night stand or a good relationship. In last option, I would accept a date, not otherwise. Myr

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Jasmin October 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Hello Cherry,
Yes – I get this tons of times. I typically pretend like there never had been any length of time in which he hadn't contacted me, though I must admit, it's pretty annoying and confusing when they do that so often.
Thank you for your video. As always – you're amazing, Cherry.
– Jasmin.
 

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Angela October 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

I think your response is really encouraging to a woman as to him being in need of her but not in a desperate way, but that she offers something special. Yet taking him back, she needs to keep that in mind and keep up her standards so that he won't go again. I am in relationship where I left him to do what he needed to do, and as he wanted me to stay and support him, it was to be on his terms, and slowly I hit him where he deserved. He said other day on holiday and with his mom happy to see me, that he'd sell his home…he wanted to come over to me 2 night ago and I said I was tired and I recalled morning and crying how we were so close and we need to think to do things better now when we are both in stress, and he had his girl say hi to me back after I sent regards and this was in RESPECT to my response….before he stood by me when I was ill. Now both he fears job loss and I need operation and I want him with me as my husband. He didn't call last eve and I think he had troubles with son and to think how to work things out. I went about keeping my home clean and happy. So now he knows as I need him and say so, I am not desperate or chasing…..is this true Cherry? 

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Jeannette October 12, 2012 at 3:53 am

Hi Cherry,
I agree, allowing him a second chance is okay.  I just don't care for Guys who try for three and more chances.  I dated a Guy who went MIA for a period of time, then broke up with me over an email.  Much time went by, I forgave him, allowed him back in my life (to see where he was) and eventually, he asked me to take him back.  After much contemplation, I took him back and sure enough, he went MIA again LOL.  By that time, I was through with him and didn't hold any hard feelings, I just didn't understand his behavior and had no interest of gettng back with him again.  Every 6 months to a year he reaches out to me and I have told him to no longer to contact me.  I even went to the extent and blocked him from calling.  Again, I have no problem with second chances but three, four, five, six chances…NO…LOL
Thanks for the video, looking forward to more 🙂
Jeannette

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Cherry Norris October 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I agree, Jeannette. There is a limit! LOL 🙂

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