When He Leaves Then Returns After Months …

by Cherry Norris on May 27, 2014

Men are so weird.  Seriously.

If you've ever met a man who at first seems quite nice and interested …

So much that he takes you out, shows you a good time or two

And as soon as you start diggin' his attenttion, suddenly

POOF!

He's gone just like that.

Weeks turn into months.  Then suddenly

POOF!

He's back texting and calling like no time has past.

Whazz's up with that?

Today's video gives you a fun, fail-proof tip on what to do (and what he's thinking!) when a man disappears and doesn't call back for months.

If you ever feel like you're the last option for a man when nothing else works out, you'll be surprised to see why he really calls back!

Leave me a comment below and tell me how you react when a man stops calling, then calls back after months.

Thanks so much for watching and if you like it, please share the love with your friends!

Love,

Cherry

{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

Jeannette October 12, 2012 at 3:53 am

Hi Cherry,
I agree, allowing him a second chance is okay.  I just don't care for Guys who try for three and more chances.  I dated a Guy who went MIA for a period of time, then broke up with me over an email.  Much time went by, I forgave him, allowed him back in my life (to see where he was) and eventually, he asked me to take him back.  After much contemplation, I took him back and sure enough, he went MIA again LOL.  By that time, I was through with him and didn't hold any hard feelings, I just didn't understand his behavior and had no interest of gettng back with him again.  Every 6 months to a year he reaches out to me and I have told him to no longer to contact me.  I even went to the extent and blocked him from calling.  Again, I have no problem with second chances but three, four, five, six chances…NO…LOL
Thanks for the video, looking forward to more :)
Jeannette

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Cherry Norris October 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I agree, Jeannette. There is a limit! LOL :)

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Angela October 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

I think your response is really encouraging to a woman as to him being in need of her but not in a desperate way, but that she offers something special. Yet taking him back, she needs to keep that in mind and keep up her standards so that he won't go again. I am in relationship where I left him to do what he needed to do, and as he wanted me to stay and support him, it was to be on his terms, and slowly I hit him where he deserved. He said other day on holiday and with his mom happy to see me, that he'd sell his home…he wanted to come over to me 2 night ago and I said I was tired and I recalled morning and crying how we were so close and we need to think to do things better now when we are both in stress, and he had his girl say hi to me back after I sent regards and this was in RESPECT to my response….before he stood by me when I was ill. Now both he fears job loss and I need operation and I want him with me as my husband. He didn't call last eve and I think he had troubles with son and to think how to work things out. I went about keeping my home clean and happy. So now he knows as I need him and say so, I am not desperate or chasing…..is this true Cherry? 

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Jasmin October 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Hello Cherry,
Yes – I get this tons of times. I typically pretend like there never had been any length of time in which he hadn't contacted me, though I must admit, it's pretty annoying and confusing when they do that so often.
Thank you for your video. As always – you're amazing, Cherry.
- Jasmin.
 

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myi October 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Thank you Cherry your awesome! I think the point is to find out if he wants a one night stand or a good relationship. In last option, I would accept a date, not otherwise. Myr

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Tracey Holliday October 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I love how you reframed why a man would call after falling off the face of the earth and how to respond when that happens.  Men really are from Mars!
 
Thanks again,
Tracey 

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Melanie October 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Cherry. This is really great advice because I have a similar situation occuring. It was with a man I dated 2 years ago, who I happened to go to high school with. He found me on facebook. We dated (exclusively, from his asking) for a week, after which, he decided to go back to his married ex-girlfriend and broke my heart. A year later, he went running to his couson (who happens to be my best friend) asking about me and telling her I had "Long term potential," and wanted to see me again. She set up a meeting and within an hour, we were kissing. However, 2 days later (and no sex!), after watching a movie together at his place on the couch, he walked me to my car & said we were "friends?!" That confused me, and I backed off. He keeps coming back, and running away.  I have always wondered if this was because he saw me as a best resort, or last resort? Now I have my answer. It's been going on "on and off" for 2 years now, with us both dating others inbetween, yet, he always somehow manages to come back! Whether it be for friendship or trying for more, but never asking for that committment. I don't know what to do with him to be honest? Of all the men I am seeing, he is the only 1 I have any real feelings for. So, I guess that's why he is able to get away with this. Any other guy I wouldn't bother with. Thank you for your words, they ring very true!
 
Sincerely,
Melanie

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Florence October 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Spot on Cherry!  I had this experience repeatedly with one guy over a span of 10 years thus far (and who knows he might come round again).  It was completely baffling and devastating to me mostly and I didn't handle it well for many years……..the goings part in particular.  I can pat myself on the back, however, for loving myself enough to require a stable, committed relationship before making love with him, so that never happening because I never compromised my heart on that.   I did mature a lot over the years for sure, and then was more as you are saying the last times he came around —-open, happy to see him, friendly—and I could see how he sincerely liked/loved me (and he was expressing this verbally) and was dropping anchor and seriously considering me for life partnership.  I needed to be able to talk to this guy as a mature adult, to slowly create a stable, committed relationship with him, and I was getting better and better at being friends with him and communicating responsibly, but I wasn't totally perfect yet, so bye, bye he went again, as soon as I became controlling and demanding out of fear (rather than just sharing what I wanted and needed and being open to what he wanted and needed and seeing if we could co-create a way to be together that worked for both of us).  Oh well, practice makes perfect.  On to the next guy.  So far so good!  : )

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ming wei October 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

A man I dropped text me after many months to say "You are still the best".  I did not reply. I decided that I deserved the best!

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Kim June 1, 2014 at 10:00 pm

You go girl, you do deserve the best.  Don't ever forget that! :o )

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Daniela October 12, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Hi Cherry,
 
This happened to me with same man several times. I am always receptive, just need to know how to move it forward. Love watching your videos!

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Jan October 12, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Last year, I met this professional man who I adored and after dating for 2 months……he disappeared only to 'resurface 5 months later.  I gave him a second chance, and again after 3 months he disappeared again.  Now it has been 8 months, and boom……3 days ago I received an email from him saying……."he wanted to say hi!"  I couldn't believe he had the nerve to get "in touch" with me after dropping off the "face of the earth" twice….without any reason and without an explanation.  When we were together, it was wonderful.  We never argued and always had fun!  We shared many commalities, so I didn't understand why he left. And, the second time he came back, he told me he was in for the "long haul"….twice!! 
Cherry, I like your comment about how we are still on the man's mind even though he leaves without an explanation, but really, how many times are we to expected to be a "doormat"  for him!  (There was no sex involved with this relationship)
Everything I have read on this type of behind suggests a person who does that is committment phobic, and very self-absorded. 
After recovering from the lost I felt, I have moved on, and now have 2 great men in my life that I am dating.  Both professionals, both perfect gentleman, and both respect me.  It's such a pleasure!

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Betsy October 12, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I appreciate your advice, Cherry. If someone wants to give a guy another chance, maybe they are still gathering data on whether he is a quality man. In my experience, however, when a man does this kind of thing, they are unavailable in some way. I don't believe the behavior is respectful and certainly not considerate. I think it's important to honestly reflect and ask yourself, "Do I really feel this man is potentially 'the one' for me?" Or do I have reservations as well? Usually, in my experience, if I"m really honest with myself, there was something that felt not quite right about the person for me. If this is the case, better to pass and be available for someone who is. Love and best wishes to all! Betsy

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Carlie October 13, 2012 at 12:57 am

Thanks for the advice Cherry – I have been doing this with a guy who has been in and out of my life since January. In the past if a guy had pulled a disappearing act I would have cut him off completely… but since I have very strong feelings for this one I'm being more open to see what happens (while still dating others myself). We had a whirlwind relationship and he said he was about to buy a ring for me, but then he got spooked and has been back and forth ever since. I have not seen or slept with him since we were in a committed relationship (so it has been 6 months) but even still I find it very hard to deal with every time he comes back in contact. Usually it's a flurry of texts and calls once a month and then he disappears for a few weeks only to repeat the process.
At first he seemed to be testing me to see if I'd settle for just sex, and I had to turn him down (nicely)… then the last time he called he seemed to finally be ready to take me on a proper date again, but then he must have freaked out again as he didn't follow through.
The whole thing drives me bonkers and yet in all the men I've dated since then nobody comes close to our connection. I'm torn because hearing from him keeps me hooked and stops me from moving on… but I don't want to tell him to stop contacting me either because each time he seems to be getting closer…  
Men are so hard to understand!

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Bb August 10, 2013 at 3:49 am

Wow this situation is all to familiar. How sad is this? And my friends and family see me as such stong responsible type of gal. They have no idea how what I accepted every timemy ex comes bk. Im always ready to move on when he bails wthout a real excuse. What they do by not providing a reasonfor bailing. They leave the doors open, well at least those bastards think they do..

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linda June 3, 2014 at 5:14 am

Carlie–
I see I am r!epyling to an old post, so to anyone in this situation: RUN!  This is game playing AT BEST, and I suspect he is a narcissist and they will take you under.  No longer will I put up with anything but respect.  I used to make excuses for them.  It is time that we be able to brag on a man rather than make an excuse for such poor behavior.  I used to crave the connection that Carlie talks about–but in the end, it is just a poisonous hook.  If a man finds you worth his time, he will do what he needs to do, and realize YOUR value.  It's your job to value yourself–Remember how wonderful YOU are! :-)
 

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Patti October 13, 2012 at 2:08 am

Dear Cherry, I can't believe the question about what to do after you date a guy after 2 or 3 dates or months and then "poof", and then after time they start texting and calling again. I enjoyed your answer. This just happened to me about 3 weeks ago. This man after 8 months texted me for over 6 weeks!!! I finally texted him back and asked him "why are you texting me?" He then proceeded to beg for another chance and I kept telling him I"bad behavior dosen't change", and what enlighting moment happened to make him realize I was a woman of substance. The usual comments came. I said no!!! He kept pursuing me. I agreed to a dinner and that's it. That night he said I will not f—— it up. I promise. He asked me out to dinner that following week, and blew me off because of work. He could not even be man enough to tell me. Needless to say I really told him off. All this 55 year old man does is work. Now before your readers think I was wrong, I was blown off 3 more times. And then I lowered the boom. He needed to hear what I had to say. He is finished for good. I wish him well but he sucks at relationships and at his age he should know better. Bad behavior never changes, ever. These men can't even be honest with themselves or get some therapy. Hope this helps someone out there. Trust your own initution. Stay the course. Do not settle, at any time.!!!!!

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Kim October 13, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I agree.  I wouldn't waste my time either.  Life is too short for that.

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Cheryl October 13, 2012 at 4:27 am

Hi Cherry.. Thank you so much for another GREAT VIDEO on a topic that many women experience!!!
Can you do another advice video as to why the men disappear in the first place?? This recently happened to me. We dated for 3 going on 4 months. During that time he acted VERY interested in a relationship. I acted carefree and didn't place pressure on him, and 'went with the flow'. I was careful to not bring up relationship heavy stuff… THen Poof! He suddenly disappeared without an explanation as to why!!! So heartbreaking! I HOPE he will eventually come around and try to contact me again, and if so, your advice helps to know what do do!!! Thanks!!

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Newcomer October 20, 2012 at 2:59 am

Hi Cherry
Very sweet video, but I'm sorry to have to disagree.  I find any time I give a guy a second chance I learn I was right about him the first time.  That means if he goes AWOL and comes back he is most likely to do it again.  Or if he is manipulative, sneaky or lies in some way.  I confront him, he does it again.  And while it's nice to give some one a second chance in my personal experience, they usually don't deserve it. And it seems to means  to them that if I give them a second chance they view it as weakness or that I'm a push over – weird.  It could just be the men who are attracted to me.  
It seems men who are really interested follow through.  And for those men who take a hiatus and really grow up or change even talk about it, are more mature.  Often the guys are repeat offenders.
However, that doesn't mean this type of situation couldn't work out for some one else.Happy dating to all!
Cheryl

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Jackie October 22, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Thanks for sharing…..I used to think it was mature to reply even if its been awhile but now….I realize a mature man wouldnt go off and then come back… if he is upfront with just dating so be it….if he wants a relationship then he wont go MIA…. aw wont bother to accept a call or text. Glad I can haunt him with my mature ways and the fact that I know what I want.

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maggymay June 2, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I have the same situation he keeps comming back in the winter he sees me more than once a week once the summer comes I don’t see him to often last time it took him over a month to see me always says he was to busy now its been 2weeks since I’ve seen him I text him he does answer but I don’t text him everyday it seems like if I don’t eventually he gets in touch I never thought of it that why until I saw your video that makes me feel a little better your video

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Shelia July 2, 2013 at 8:22 am

I was with my man for 4 years he had got unemployed and was about to get put out of his home his son lived with him also so i let my place go and moved in to help him and his son. And now rent and bill where on me his son wanted to move on with his mom so he did  then my man met a woman on the chat line who lived in another state so he lift me and moved with her. Then less then a month later he wanted to come back and i let him he said the grass not always greener on the other side and he will never do it again. Then it came he just left me again for another woman and this time if it dont work out he can not come back.

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Janice Wildemore September 14, 2013 at 12:02 am

Hi Cherry!     I  just watched your video, answering the question, what to do if alot of time passes, and suddenly…the guy you dated, decides to call back. I "really like that you turn it into a "positive"! And you are right…."nothing has happened, because after all, you are NOT in a committed, ongoing relationship", so there's nothing to discuss! Sometimes I feel sad we women are such "emotional" creatures, because we are looking for love, stability, commitment, and it's painful to realize many men do not think about being with us, in any of those ways. I am happy I'm a woman, with a caring and kind heart. Thanks again, and I'll keep watching your videos….GREAT and warm advice on the opposite sex!

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Mao December 6, 2013 at 2:24 pm

SO when is it ok for someone to treat you like this? I would never let a man do this to me, never! He wants to come back – all he would get is a slammed door in his face.  If he couldn't respect me enough to talk to me calmly, then he doesn't deserve to be with me!

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Kay January 13, 2014 at 12:14 am

I went on a single date with a guy in August.  It was a pretty good date, but I didn't honestly think much of it at the time. He texted me occasionally for the next few weeks but didn't ask me out again. Once he even asked me what I was doing for the weekend, but didn't follow up until the next week.  I remember thinking it was a little strange that he wasn't asking me out.
On Dec 20 he wrote me asking me how I was and saying that he'd been traveling a lot and that we should catch up after the holidays. I said ok and was friendly and open in response to him.  It's been a little more than 3 weeks (but who's counting) since then.  At what point should the window of opportunity close for him?  
A little background: he had come out of a 5-year relationship when I met him in August and was just back on the market.  We met via online dating.
thanks Cherry!

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roshini February 6, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Hi Cherry,
I met this man through family, I come from a culture where arrange marriages do happen. However, he said no, but I took it very nicely and said it was alright. I was nice n all and left him alone. he was stalking me online and on IMs, and finally one day i confronted him very sweetly. I didnt pursue, hoping he would and he did sporadically- one day he would text a lot and be happy, next time he would sound irritated. We live in different states, so finally I met him again. Had a great date, we laughed and joked and his body language shwed interest but soon after  he checks on me once on text and thats it …I dont hear from him, its been 3 weeks and I am back home. He is a divorcee and whenever he did talk about marriage, he was always negative.!..said i would date a girl for 6 months everyday if she was in teh same city..confused me up

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Kate April 17, 2014 at 12:07 am

Life is too short to waste time on time wasters when there are literally millions of men out there. Who cares about, or even wants to know the reasons why a guy fades away and reappears. All you need to know is that it's disrespectful, childish and just plain eye-rollingly tiresome behaviour, which should be ignored. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…..

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m May 30, 2014 at 11:52 am

If it's one time I would give him a chance.  If he constantly does this, dump him.  I should take my own advise.  

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Lee May 30, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Hi Cherry
Just a question.  I am a fan of your blog.
Just want  to know how to react to a man who disappeared but returned after a bad divorce after 5 years and says he had never forgotten me.  That he had made a mistake and the only thing that kept him from a breakdown is thoughts about me throughout his bad marriage.
 

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Cherry Norris May 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Hi Lee,
Thanks for your note. I suggest you give him a chance and see what he offers. You’ll know soon enough if he’s “all talk” or if he’s seriously interested in building a relationship with you.
Love,
Cherry

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Goldberry May 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm

I also must respectfully disagree.  Why can't the guy explain why he's taking a break?  There's no need to disappear like that.  The one guy who did this to me I decided to give a second chance to… and then he started verbally abusing me and broke up with me by text!  Why?  Because he doesn't have the communication skills for a real relationship or to treat a woman respectfully when it really matters.  Even in ambiguous friendships where dating was an ever-present possibility, the guys never did this hot/cold act.  They were able to communicate either verbally or non-verbally what their feelings and intentions were.  I won't be giving a "disappearer" another chance again.

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Marisa May 30, 2014 at 9:20 pm

Dear Cherry,

I am 45, have a 10 years old child and divorced 7 years ago. I was not dating all this time, since I needed to heal emotionally and take care of many things.

In the beginning of this year, I was dating a man who told me "he was not ready for a relationship like the one I want, due many things going on in his life that he could not manage; he said he likes me a lot and he cares about me, he does not want to hurt me and explain that this is why he does not want to have a relationship with me at that time", he was very honest about his feelings.

I fell deeply in love with him but I let him go. Our last communication was about two months ago. I continued dating another man all this time (I wanted to forget him and push myself to keep going to meet other men).

The funny thing is that he just came back today sending me a brief message, after 7 weeks of no communication from my part. I text him back, very shortly, and after 10 minutes I got a phone call "just to say hello". I was happy to hear from him, I was busy, authentically happy, I spoke very superficially just to re-connect and I did not ask him anything, but he self-explained anyway, the reason he was not in contact with me all this time.  He also wanted to know about my "dating life" and I let him know I am still available.

I did not ask him if we are going to meet once again… no no… he must do that part if he want to. He must be clear.  I just will be patient… not really, I am really enjoying my life as it is… and learning a lot about men and relationship of all kinds. Very interesting…

I am open to find love once again… I know I am emotionally mature and ready. So… it is a matter of time and keep going out. But I am sure, I am much more prepare to be in a real relationship than I was in any other previous relationship in all my life. And that is real power!!!! I am so proud of me.

Love,

Great videos, always.

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Cherry Norris May 31, 2014 at 5:54 pm

Beautiful, Marisa!
Thanks for sharing.
Love,
Cherry

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Nata May 30, 2014 at 10:20 pm

Yes, life works in misterious way sometimes and this advice might work for some, but in my experience if a man vanishes on you, he ll do it again. I have a guy texting me who betrayed me and dumped me 3 times! Now he is texting me again and telling me how he appreciated me? Weirdo. Also a man whom i dated and was in love dumped me and ignored me for 3 years suddenly wants to see me. My thoughts are for sex or something?  Bottom line, someone who betrayed you once ( or twice if you are so kind enough), will do it again.  Very few people change in that sense.  But we keep hoping….and hurting. no more!

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randy May 31, 2014 at 12:51 am

I am a man and the same thing happens to me with women all the time.  This isn't a gender thing.  Some people are just spaced out.  I get women emailing or texting after not responding for 3 months, as if it was yesterday, with no explanation.  I really wish you would stop generisizing your advice.  Men and women are really not that different.

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Polly May 31, 2014 at 6:47 pm

Hi Cherry,
I am learning so much about dating from you!  I recently met a man who played the hero and asked for my number.  Since then, he has texted me a few times but has not called or asked me out.  I feel undervalued and no longer wish to maintain this virtual friendship. Should I cease to answer his texts, or hang in there to see if he ever makes a move?

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Cherry Norris June 2, 2014 at 5:09 pm

Hi Polly,
Thanks for your note. Let this man go after 3 exchanges if he hasn’t asked you out!
Best word in the English dictionary … “Next!”
Love,
Cherry

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Tina June 1, 2014 at 1:10 am

Thank you for the positive perspective on the guys that come back! Even if, given the time to think it over, I'm not interested in going for Round Two.

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Beth June 13, 2014 at 1:37 am

Yes this just happened to me too. A guy that I have been seeing for almost a year and a half  vanished for a week. I honestly thought something was  terribly wrong, since we were very close. Him hooking up with another woman didnt even cross my mind.  He reached out to me after a week saying he is sorry that he did me wrong , yes he hooked up with a a girl and sex was really bad so he wants to come back. I apperciated his honesty but what a weirdo..lol
 

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