When He Won’t Communicate

by Cherry Norris on May 26, 2016

Dawn is a lovely women who's been seeing a man for two years.

The problem is communication.  

Seems every time Dawn wants to talk about their relationship, her man goes radio silent.

Fed up with the situation, Dawn left.  Well sorta.

At least five times she told him good-bye.

At least five times she said, "if you're not going to talk about our future, then leave me alone and don't call me again."

But her man always ends up coming back without anything ever changing.

Today's video gives you a fun, fail-proof tip on how to get your man to open up when he clams up.

Thank you so much for watching and in the comment section below, tell me what you do when your man goes silent and won't communicate.

Much love,

Cherry

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Louise June 4, 2016 at 7:31 pm

 

 

 

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John June 2, 2016 at 12:15 am

We've learned not to say anything because anything we say will be used against us for years to come. A man's feelings are never safe with a woman. The guy in the story made a mistake in that he kept returning to the woman. Ladies – please just shut up and leave us alone.

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Ren May 30, 2016 at 9:15 am

This man does not want a relationship or future with her.  He enjoys the benefits without the commitment.  A man knows in the first 6 months to a year if he wants to be with a person.  I had dated a guy since 2007 at age 31.  I would tell him "You and I don't want the same things."  He didn't want to get married or kids.  He would pop back into my life.  I changed my cell phone number twice.  I believe he had access to my cell phone.  As soon as I would start dating a new guy, he would pop up wanting to go out.  The date plan would sound like my previous date with the new guy.  I would say it lasted 7 years because that's when I made up my mind; this is nothing!  He apologized and told me October 2015 that he didn't want any kids.  It was too late for him at age 42.  He told me not to cry.  I wasn't crying – no hurt feelings now on my part.  I knew all of this already through his actions from the previous years. Nothing he said was "new" to my ears!  We are associates with his and her benefits.

I did meet a guy one year ago online.  I knew by our second date that "I didn't want to leave him".  When on dates, I am usually ready to leave; go run errands.  This was the guy for me!  He went on a 3 day conference – stopped communication with me – possibly married Oct '15.  I've been dating another guy who proposed on our 1st and 3rd date.  I met another guy yesterday who invited me to a wedding today. I am still dating – keeping it moving — going out enjoying the social scene.  Enjoy Life !!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Camille May 29, 2016 at 5:20 am

Hi Cherry,

Thankfully, I have never had a man who had a problem communicating, but if I did I guess I would handle it the way you suggested and caress then address.

 

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Bonnie May 28, 2016 at 5:19 am

You used the word compatible, but I feel even this word is confusing. I like the word aligned as a clarifier. I can feel compatible with a man and still not be aligned in some very important strands for a great 1:1 monogamous partnering relationship. There could be great chemistry, fun, shared activities, comfort, companionship, or communication, and still be conflicts over beliefs, social interaction with others, level of community involvement, finances, spirituality, politics, parenting [though I 'm pretty past that one now], and so on. 
Some things can be negotiated, some are entirely nonessential, and some things will destroy a partnership though you might be great friends. 
I have loads of compatible friends who I enjoy but would not align well enough with some to be housemates much less mates. 

How important each strand is totally depends on each person's point of view, comfort zones, and boundaries. 

Not everybody desires the same sort of relationship either. But if you can't discuss what you each desire, it's not likely to eventuate. 

 

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Dr Randy May 27, 2016 at 6:53 pm

As a man who attracts women who are shut down and don't have the skills to communicate or even be aware of their feelings in a relationship, I've learned to be aware early on now, and just end it.  I've found that these women are just a drain, and that they just don't care to learn these skills.  I've stopped trying to change them or teach them.   Now I'm looking for a woman who has done as much work as me, and is skilled at feeling and communicating her process and feelings with me, a balanced man.  Are you out there?

 

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Bren May 30, 2016 at 10:36 pm

yes Dr Randy….I am out here…..would be great to know a man  like you…so they are around๐Ÿ˜Š

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Carole May 27, 2016 at 4:32 pm

In the video the woman comes off as nagging and confrontational which is a turn off.  Picking the right time and place is definitely important to set the tone.  If these two people have been seeing each other for a couple years, the woman has plenty opportunity to ask the question in person instead of on the phone. In this situation, the woman is the one who has not made herself clear because she has threatened to break up several times & then taken him back.  A woman like that seems very insecure.  She threatens but doesn't follow thru.  This particular relationship seems unstable, so why would a man want to commit to her.  Maybe he doesn't want to…period.  She probably needs some therapy to figure out what she wants & how to state herself with clarity and then follow thru if she really wants a commitment.

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linda May 27, 2016 at 3:52 pm

Just a quick thought….No human being enjoys feeling pressured, cajoled, manipulated, etc.  We all resist the feeling of losing control, no matter how slight that control actually may be.  LOL   But…in this particular situation, I'm agreeing with many of the comments concerning the idea of "sneaking back" into another's life.  This simply isn't possible.  She's ALLOWING this to happen.  Also, why do we have to have conversations along this line anyway???  Frankly, she doesn't need to have him participate at all!  She can follow your vlog and find an appropriate time to EXPRESS HER FEELINGS.  He need not comment at all.  She can open the door should he wish to talk or give him the opportunity to listen and understand her feelings, her perceptions and her goals.  At that point, he'll either be "on board" or she can LIVE her life and he can watch her walk forward without him.  Sometimes just having a life that isn't wrapped around another's whims, schedules, etc. is the quickest, easiest way of allowing them to see that you truly mean what you've said….live your own goals and he may just follow without huge serious convos involved.  And, if he chooses not to walk that path with you, he will simply fade away.   IMHO

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Anne August 29, 2014 at 3:32 pm

Thanks for the video, Cherry, and for the male perspective, Jeff. One thing that I didn't quite get in it was this: when the chase is now over so why should she put in the effort. I've always thought that when the chase is over – giving that it's usually the man who is chasing the woman – it's the man who thinks that why should he put in the effort anymore. 

In my own experience and looking at the experiences of my friends with men who don't want to talk about the state of the relationship is, that they are getting something that they need via the relationship – sex, caressing and so on – but don't want to commit to that particular woman, nor do they want to loose the benefits. So they are enjoying them till they find a "better" woman. I wouldn't necessarily call that kind of man selfish, or then 90% men are that way. It's appartently not easy for a man to be totally without a woman, so at least he needs to have something. No pun intended. 

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Margaret August 23, 2014 at 12:10 am

Men are too much hard work!

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Uschi August 22, 2014 at 2:29 pm

I am 60 was married twice and have only learned a lot of things after my 3rd relationship went bust. A  great man but he didnt know how to do relationships, cheted on me and basically put me on the street after we lived together for over 9 years. He too couldn't talk and kept everything inside. I wish I had seen this years ago. Thing is I am now looking but it seems there are not good men out there my age.

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Bren May 30, 2016 at 10:38 pm

UShi  love yourself first, a man cannot give you what you cannot give to yourself. Yes there are many not worthwhile guys, but there are some. Get happy being with yourself. 

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Annon August 22, 2014 at 2:25 pm

Hi Cherry – thanks for your videos.

Personally this guy sounds like a huge waste of time!  If he's been left 5 times and HE KNOWS it's because she wants to talk about the realtionship, won't and weasles back in – he's a very selfish man.  My thought is if he's shy: tough!  If he's feeling attacked – tough!  Two years is a long time to invest in anyone who refuses to communicate over an issue that clearly one of them is in a lot of pain over.  The way he choses to handle his side of the relationship: not talking and then trying to get back in her life says he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER FEELINGS and is not a fit man for her.  He is not acting like a man – taking responsibility for where he's at and telling her. He can't or won't give her what she needs, offers nothing else and wants to keep the relationship on his terms.  He sounds very immature, obviously fears commitment and there are other fish in the sea!  He could even get a high that he can get her to take him back – his ego could be stroked by being able to manipulate her and that could be enough for him?  Clearly, I don't know either person but two years is long enough to know if some one can meet your needs – he won't – Goodbye! He has every right to take his show on the road to torment some one else. Leaving a man 5 times over the same issue is enough for him to know what she wants.  He places his feelings over hers and to me, doesnt seem like a protective man.  The best men will protect the woman – even from themselves.  He needs tough love – to really get rid of him and keep him away – date others ASAP and tough love on yourself to be able to evict him from your life once and for all. Leave him alone, keep him away, tend to yourself and needs, date others.  If he choses to grow up and come back at some point and it's real, you can take it from there.  But only he can grow himself up.

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Judy August 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm

I have found that men do not like to be "confronted" on the spur of the moment as they enjoy time together as warm relaxing moments and also prefer to spend a different time in talking on special things, not mix the times together.  So, by asking when is a good time, or saying would like to set some time (say 4 hr) on a certain day to just talk, gives him time to think and be ready with his feelings..  Men feel backed in the corner when sprung on them without expecting it..  You get alot more quality talk when set time aside….  I also suggest taking this talk out of the warm environment of home, in case you hear something you don't really like as no left behind hurt…  and if happiness comes from the talk, then do future talks there…   I also feel, men think women already know what they are thinking, feeling, and why they don't say it…  but women need to hear the words as well….  but….  actions can speak louder then words…

My man is younger, age is no problem.  He gets so close, opens up and talks on his feelings, then will back away for a lil while.  He is shy in opening up, been very hurt before as I have been, so we do need this lil time to reflect.  Then we come back together stronger in the relationship…  Patience is so difficult for me, but am finding, it helps in building our relationship…  I have tried going out with other men, but find he is so worth "building" this relationship with him…  Time will only tell…..  ty Cherry for all your videos…

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Loretta March 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm

I have found the best way to talk 'about the relationship' is to not mention the topic.
I simply say, "It would feel so good to talk with you when you have time. I have some feelings that I'd like to share with you. When would be a good time to talk?"
Then, share your feelings. On no account criticise or make him wrong. Let him lead you toward good-feeling feelings! If you are sharing that you feel uneasy, ask "Can you help me? Do you think there is something we can do together to make this better?"
Better still, always begin such a conversation by expressing your feelings of appreciation for the good things he brings to your life. This will warm his heart and it gives him motivation to work on any problems that you're having.
 

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Cherry Norris March 18, 2013 at 3:54 pm

Thanks, Loretta!
Love, Cherry

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Bee March 16, 2013 at 7:10 pm

As always, I love your videos, Cherry.   I like your sense of humor too.  Sometimes… I just gotta laugh a little, at myself too… LOL

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Florence March 16, 2013 at 12:43 am

Men can't deal with frantic women energy for sure, so I have learned to be relaxed and open and curious about where they are at around stuff—-and accepting of what they say.  So when I call, I say "is this a good time for you?",  if 'no', then I ask when would be a good time.  I don't use the 'talk' word either.  "I want/need to "TALK" to you….."  That alone sends them running for the hills.   Men seem to get very scared of the idea of 'talking'.  So I just do it…….call and say,  "am I catching you at a good time?" and have a relaxed conversation about whatever I want to talk about.   I do usuall ease into it as well.  Start a light banter, how are you, what you doing, etc., then ask the deeper questions I am curious about.  Amazing how it works, and how it doesn't work when I am NEEDING to talk, right now!  : )
 

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randy March 15, 2013 at 7:47 pm

I have the same thing wtih Women – it's not a male/female issue.  Some people whether men or women just don't have the skills to share their feelings

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Kim March 15, 2013 at 7:45 pm

If my man wouldn't even discuss our relationship or where it's going, I have only myself to blame if I break up with him and he "sneaks" (really? he sneaks?) back into my life. If we're not on the same page about things that are important to me (or to him, for that matter), it's time to move on and find a partner who CAN and WILL share those things with me. Why is this so hard for some people to figure out? Personally, I'm not wasting my time trying to get something from a man who either doesn't have it to give, or doesn't want to give it to me. Ladies: You are worth so much more than this kind of relationship or this kind of man; why do you keep putting up with it?  :o)

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Ziji March 15, 2013 at 5:57 pm

I continue to LOVE reading these tips, Cherry, because they are so specifically addressed by you in such a short and digestable sound bite.  THANK you for that.!!  I have never beenin a true LTR with a man..it's all been STR, and mostly by my desire though there have been a coupla heartbreakers too.  I'm reading all your tips and learning so much about how to handle different situations in a mature way that meets both party's needs. Again, a multitude of THANKS and BLESSINGS on your gifts to the world of the clueless beings who desire true relationships that can actually work. Growing up, I heard so much arguing and ws so frightened in my environment that I'm sure that's why I AM the ONE who has been commitment-shy. Now, BECAUSE of YOU, I am learning what I need to even THINK about moving forward.

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Cherry Norris March 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Good for you, Ziji!
Thank you for your note.
Love, Cherry

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Maria March 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Excellent video today Cherry!  Great topic!  I am in a 1.5 year relationship with an amazing man I adore, but I feel we are a little stagnant.  Every time I want to bring up the topic of 'where we are going', he shuts down, and this frustrates me so much.  He is going to medical school plus holds a job, so his schedule is very hectic.  His reason for not talking about the topic is that he is overwhelmed with school and work, and doesn't even have time for himself, much less talk about such a serious topic.  I just don't know how to navigate through this, but I want to move forward in our relationship and take things to the next level.  I will approach the topic using your tips.  Thank you!
 

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Cherry Norris March 15, 2013 at 8:15 pm

Excellent, Maria!
Let us know how it works!!
Love, Cherry

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Julia March 15, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Seems to me if a woman has tried to break it off 5 times her gut is telling her something is wrong and she could do better.  I believe women know deep down if the man they're with is The One or not.  I was in a very unhealthy relationship with an emotionally abusive man who kept 'sneaking back' into my life when I would try to break up with him, so that part makes me concerned.  If he can't respect boundaries there could be something wrong as well.  I think our female intuition can be trusted… and then we need to stand by our boundaries.  The right man will want to commit AND he will respect us!   ๐Ÿ™‚  

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Jeff March 15, 2013 at 10:52 am

Mostly I think a man is unwilling to do relationship talk because they fear that they would be put into a situation were they feel they now have lost control. Being a man myself there have been several situations in my life were I have expressed my feeling to a woman and then later felt as though she used those feeling to manipulate me. Or the other case of the chase is now over so why should she put in the effort.
Best advice is you go first, you tell him how you feel about him. You might have to do this a few times before he becomes comfortable. Next mention to him that it is important to you that you understand were this relationship is going.
If after that he still won't open up about it, it is really time to think about moving on you are  with a very selfish man and there are much better ones out there that want to love you.

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E March 15, 2013 at 12:39 pm

I agree with Jeff.  I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist and he'd never commit even though we were engaged.  He could never explain what was wrong until I realized that he was really selfish and could not develop deep feelings.  So in a way he did not undertsand himself even but he never wanted to read any books on self development nor get help.  His loss.

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Maria March 15, 2013 at 3:31 pm

Good advice Jeff, thank you for providing your male prespective.

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Cherry Norris March 15, 2013 at 8:16 pm

Thank you for your male perspective, Jeff!
Love, Cherry

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