When Your Man Lives Away & A New Man Wants To Play!

by Cherry Norris on June 16, 2016

Nicole is an attractive, independent, successful and active woman.

She has no problem attracting men.

The current man she's seeing lives a few states away and recently an "old friend" has come back into her life.

The old friend is familiar.  He has characteristics Nicole desires.  So far she's kept it friendly, but that's starting to change.

Lately, Nicole has been feeling the chemistry that makes her reconsider her faraway man.

The problem is it won't go over well with either man if she took both of them as lovers.

Does she risk getting to know the "old friend" better?  Or does she play it safe to keep the current man?

Today's video gives you a fun, fail-proof tip on what to do when you're meeting new men and your main man lives away.

If you've ever been confused on how to date more than one man, you must see this now!

Thanks so much for watching!  Leave me a comment below and let me know how you handle dating long-distance while meeting new men at home!

Enjoy!

Love,

Cherry

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Kat March 1, 2017 at 3:22 am

This was an interesting topic. I realized long ago that long-distance relationships were not right for me. They're too stressful, especially since I like physical closeness and touch, lots of hugs, etc. I would MUCH rather move to a place where I know I'm going to find the kind of guy that's right for me, than keep things hanging in a tough balance by "dating" someone out-of-state, let alone from another country.

AFAIC, seriously dating someone means the relationship is local with lots of get-togethers and bonding. If it's an out-of-state thing, what  chance is there of emotional and physical bonding to the point of calling it a truly committed relationship? 

And maybe this is just me, and maybe I'm oddly old-fashioned for still being a youngish woman of 38, but I can't imagine dating more than one guy at a time, anyway, especially if there are sparks enough at first that indicate it could be quite a serious thing. Do not get me wrong: I am NOT out to "trap" a guy into exclusivity right away.

But *I* freak out at the notion of doing the same thing: juggling multiple men and "keeping my options open." That very phrase makes it feel like the concept of the "job interview," or worse, "the meat market," where "I'm just browsing." I might as well read sexy romance novels. At least by doing that, no-one gets hurt.

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JT June 17, 2016 at 5:23 pm

I like your approach and know you have to keep it short! However, I would ask myself "what are my agreements in my committed relationship"? first. If there are no agreements on dating/sleeping with others, how committed is this relationship? If there ARE agreements, like "if either of us feels really attracted to another, we will discuss it first with each other to heal whatever's missing before acting", then of course, I'd follow my agreement.  

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Tina October 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm

The beginning is sooooooo cute! ;0)

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april August 27, 2016 at 3:41 pm

that made me giggle 

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Louise September 21, 2014 at 10:30 am

Love your advice, Cherry. I agree with two posters on two points. How great is your relationship really if local guy is grabbing your attention to the extent you may become intimate? Is out-of-state man likely to be away for much longer? Are you lonely? What are his plans for you longer term? Sounds as if something is missing with your existing man tbh. Also your ex is an ex for a reason, and any unresolved old issues will resurface. Could it be you are comfortable with the familiar?

Personally I wouldn’t want to be deceitful however I would not wait endlessly in what may be an uncommitted relationship. Maybe hold off the intimacy with your existing man if you want to explore things with local guy. I would tell existing man that since he’s out-of-state you want to re-evaluate things. And try and see him less to see how things develop with local man. Not sure what I’d tell local man about existing man at this point tho.

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Judy September 19, 2014 at 1:21 pm

Hello
What no one seems to consider is why the “old” friend -is he an ex? – didn’t last in the past. There must be a reason it didn’t develop into a committed relationship in the past and she needs to think about that before proceeding. If there was a problem before it will surface again.

And yes Jeff is right on with his questions. Sounds to me like she just likes all the attention.

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Kimberley March 27, 2013 at 10:21 pm

I agree Cherry.  :o)

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Jeff March 23, 2013 at 3:16 pm

My guess is "I'm mind reading here." Is that this question is being asked because you are looking for permission to be intimate with this other man because you like him and are attracted to him.
So in order to get permission you just need to ask yourself a couple of questions and be honest with yourself.
Is the 'far away' man under the impression that you two are in a committied relationship?
If yes the moral thing to do would be set him straight and let him know what you think before being intimate with your friend?
If no then it is perfectly alright to date other men.
The final and the most important question you must ask yourself is "What do I want?" and "What will I no longer tolerate? If you can answer these two questions to yourself honestly and with specifics the answer the the first question is easy. Here is a video of one of my heros explaining this concept. factsonmen.com/findingaman
 

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LINDA March 23, 2013 at 3:40 am

Oh gosh!  I think I agree with Cherry on this!  More information would be helpful as would  knowing the detailed nature of the relationship (then I might change my mind)–however, I believe that until a ring is on your finger, you are available to peruse even if in a committed relationship.  What does "committed" mean to you? If you don't have a ring, then you are only "so committed." I believe the "committed" man should have the honor, but daytime dates are fine if you are not engaged.  Goodness, I have several men friends.  I will admit that the man I'm dating will not tolerate my seeing people in the day time or anytime because he is crazy about me — and  I am honoring his request and he is local– but I don't agree with it completely, because I don't have a ring on my finger and there are other circumstances that prevent that from happening right now and could prevent it in the future (and I'm a mature woman in her 50's).  It is so important to keep options open, give yourself to one person if you are committed, and not cause anxiety for anyone.  I agree with Cherry overall — and integrity is very important to me.

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Ninah March 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm

Here's what I have found in my long dating career.
If you are committed to a guy and another guy comes on the scene who you are attracted to, then there is obviously something wrong with the relationship you are committed to.  Figure out what that is and if you want to continue with that relationship or not.  
If you are NOT committed (haven't had the "we're exclusive" or "we're committed"  talk), then there is no need to tell your long distance guy that you are seeing others.  Men are quite sensitive about that.  Most of them will bolt.  You may end up finding the new guy is a dud and the long distance guy is the One Who Got Away.
That's been my experience.  Hope this helps.
 

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Nancy March 22, 2013 at 5:04 pm

P.p.s I wouldn't tell guys I was dating other guys either. I wouldn't lie out it either. I just wouldn't tell and if they asked…I would say "I'm dating" and they wouldn't push for more. I'm in a happy committed relationship but still pass on advice to my friends 🙂

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Nancy March 22, 2013 at 5:00 pm

Hi Cherry, this time I think we needed some more information about the relationship with the far away guy. For example, did they agree to date exclusively? In which case, she should not be dating this local guy. And what does she mean by "we are progressing…" What is she doing?!? 
P.s. love watching your videos and love the content. This one did, however, rub the wrong way. 

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Florence March 22, 2013 at 4:45 pm

I like your singing Cherry.
I appreciate your good intent, just I don't agree with your advice this time.  I would advise her to admit to the away guy that she wants to check out a 'home' boy.  Clearly she would rather have a man, that she is happy with, where she lives, than one she is happy with who lives a few states away….and so isn't getting as much attention/interaction as she wants.  Admitting this to her away guy gives him a chance to move to where she is or something to take care of her desire to be closer.  Dating another guy, isn't being committed either.  I think it dishonest to do it without him knowing.  I think honestly with her 'committed guy' will serve her.  All the best.

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Tessa March 22, 2013 at 4:17 pm

Love it! I'm in the same situation. Thank you Cherry.

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Jasmin March 22, 2013 at 2:37 pm

I agree with Donna. I am a little inclined to think that Nicole should speak to her current man — the one living outside the state — that she is sometimes going out with someone new. I'm assuming that she and her man are already in a commited relationship, i.e. they are officially 'boyfriend and girlfriend.' It doesn't seem right that she should keep her man in the dark about what she's doing when he can't be around to take care of her.
 
Jasmin.

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Katey March 22, 2013 at 2:24 pm

I completely agree that seeing the old friend who's local is a good idea.  To see him for lunch or daytime activities is also better because it gives her a chance to get to know him all over again without the expectation that a nighttime visit would create. 
It is not deceitful at all.  The current boyfriend and the woman don't have a commitment to one another.  The out of town boyfriend could very well drag this out forever as his needs may be completely fulfilled with this type of arrangement. 
I had a situation like this myself years ago.  While I dated the out of town guy, I also met up with many men friends during the days that  I was available.  I was intimate only with my out of town boyfriend.  However, over a few years, I found us stagnating and we amicably ended our time together.  He told me that he cared about me but he had no desire to move the relationship in any new direction.  Fortunately I had several men friends and had not stopped being sociable.  I rebounded very quickly. 
Also my old out of town boyfriend and I remain friends and it's obvious now to me why we didn't have a deeper relationship.  I knew I had done the right thing for both of us. 

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Debbie March 22, 2013 at 5:44 pm

I would agree except she specifically stated she was in a committed relationship with the out-of-town guy.

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Debbie March 22, 2013 at 6:04 pm

Hi again,
My apologies! I listened to the video again and realized the letter from Nichole did not state she was in a committed relationship with the out-of-town guy, rather Cherry had stated that she was in a committed relationship in her explanation. I apologize for my confusion. Debbie

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Debbie March 22, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Hi Cherry!
 
For once I disagree with you. I would feel very betrayed if I were in a "committed relationship" with a man and he were having secret "dates" on the side with the sole purpose of seeing if it would lead to something more. If a guy did this to me I would dump him on the spot due to his disrespect and dishonesty.
 
I feel this woman should tell her long distance, committed relationship guy if she decides that she wants to actually see where things will go with the new guy. Give him the courtesy of allowing him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship under such circumstances.  My personal opinion is that she is already pushing the envelope by inviting an ex into her life to the level of feelings developing while she is in a committed relationship with another man. I guess that is not my idea of committed. I believe full disclosure is in order.
 
Best wishes to all!
 
Sincerely,
Debbie

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Debbie March 22, 2013 at 6:15 pm

Hi All!
My apologies! I re-listened to the video and realized that Nicole did not state she was in a committed relationship with the out-of-town guy. Rather, it was stated that she was in a committed relationship in the explanation. I got confused – sorry. 
 
Certainly if she is just "dating" this out-of-town guy she has every right to date other men. In fact…you go girlfriend! I do agree that it's best to let both guys know you are dating other men.
 
Sorry again for my confusion:)
Debbie

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Donna March 22, 2013 at 12:11 pm

I wonder why you suggest she not tell the far-away man about dating a new man? It seems deceitful and might get in the way of intimacy when they are together, since the woman has a "secret" she is not sharing. I prefer honesty as the best policy, as the saying goes. When I'm dating more than one man at a time, I don't typically give details, but I make sure they know I am dating other men. I never sleep with a man until I am in a fully-committed, exclusive relationship, where we have both said "I love you" and there is future potential. If Nicole is in that kind of relationship with her far-away man, then maybe she needs to have a conversation about how/when they will live closer together. If she's not in a committed/exclusive relationship with him and she tells him she is dating someone else, he might step up to the plate to commit more fully or even move closer to be with her. 

I would love to hear your reason for not telling the far-away man.
As always, thank you!

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Cherry Norris March 22, 2013 at 4:30 pm

Hi Donna,
Thanks for your comment. There’s no reason to tell the faraway man about the new man unless something significant develops. It’s unnecessary and disrespectful to make the faraway man worry about something that may not occur.
Before my husband Lorenzo moved to California from Italy, I continued to date other men. I didn’t tell him b/c I didn’t need to. Lorenzo was still my #1, but I wasn’t willing to put all my eggs in his romantic basket until he moved to the states and we entered into a committed relationship. I told him after the fact that I had been dating others. He was surprised but he still got the gold (me!) so in the end it was fine. Telling him I’m dating others while he lived away wouldn’t have brought him closer to me, it would have created unnecessary anxiety and conflict for both of us.
Unless you have an engagement ring from the faraway man, I suggest keeping your options open. You can be stolen if the faraway man doesn’t tend you.
Love, Cherry

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Bee March 22, 2013 at 11:46 pm

Hi Cherry, I like this. It's very respectful to both guys.  

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Yvonne March 21, 2013 at 6:30 pm

I wonder if the relationship with the long-distance guy is really committed, since she says she's "seeing" him, or what their plans are for the future. She should definitely give the local man a chance. Great advice!

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